Miss Jenny's Little World

Princesses & Princes At Heart: EVERY Person Made To Be One

2009-08-03T15:20:00.000-07:00

So, I watched the Princess Diaries 1 & 2 the other day. I haven't watched those movies for a while and wanted to watch a light-hearted, fun, girlie movie. I didn't expect much watching the movie until the end. There were many different scenes that touched my heart. One scene is where Anne Hathaway (the main character that became a princess in the movie) had to find a husband within 30 days in order to be the Queen. So, she ends up finding a guy that she doesn't really love. She was in a tough situation where she either can go with her own interests of waiting to marry a guy she truly loves or looking at the people's best interest in having a Queen. After much tossing and turning, she decides to be selfless in giving up her desires for the people. As one reads this, many would think, "Oh my gosh! I would never do that! It's all about YOUR happiness and etc etc etc..." I too thought that, but then it touched me for her to give herself up in order to serve her people.

There was another scene where she was in a parade and while they were marching, Anne saw a little orphan being picked on, so she decided to get out of her carriage to say hi to her and the other little girls. She spoke some encouraging, touching words to this little girl that she too can be a princess. Then, Anne and the rest of the little girls continued to march together. It was very touching to see that and it actually somehow motivated me to want to do that. Though I may not be an actual princess on this earth, but it doesn't mean I cannot touch lives the way this princess has.

Something about being kind, caring, selfless, humble, respectful, noble, pure, and honest captivates and inspires many people. We all want a leader that is like that; we all want to be with someone that has these traits; we all want to have these traits as well. But sadly, our culture today dismiss this and focus more on the outer appearance and on what "I" want. We live in a very "I" culture now. It's all about me...me...ME! What "I" want? About "my" happiness. Everywhere you go, you constantly see advertisements, commercials, billboards, movies, TV shows, and books that constantly talks about achieving your happiness and getting what you want. And as you can see, there are more brokeness and pain in this world because of that pursuit. You see many men and women getting divorced from left to right because they have lost sight of loving each other unconditionally and giving up themselves fully for one another. They think, "Oh my gosh, I do this and that for him/her and they don't even give a sh**, and there this other guy/girl giving me this special attention and it's all about MY happiness and blah blah blah..." Honestly, it's a cycle. If you cannot overcome the challenges of your first marriage, how is it any different with your next. The issue isn't the person, it's HOW we handle the situation. Now that we make choices and it's acceptable, persevering is nothing. But doesn't it touch your heart to have a grandpa and grandma be together for 45 years - I think that's BEAUTIFUL! It should be that way, but in order to make ourselves feel better, we use excuses after another excuses that mainly focuses on who? On YOU. Yup, we have become selfish, consuming "I" people.

Now, with single men and women who date 100 times, having sex with 56 men/women. It honestly saddens me to see people live their lives like that. They think that is the greatest prize or achievement to have....ummmm no. How is it achieving to be able to sleep with a bunch of men/women. Honestly, how is that? I'm sorry but does that sound pathetic to just me? I mean come on now! I am not judging or looking down on anyone, but I'm just frustrated in seeing people live like this because I personally have gotten sucked into that and now my life is so much fuller and better without all that! I once thought that if I can get a bunch of guys drooling all over me or dating a bunch of guys or always needing a boyfriend or always getting drunk will make me a popular, cool person. And the sad thing is ... it DOESN'T! I've done it and by the end of the day, I still feel empty inside.

Honestly, what happened to changing the world and making a difference in people's lives? Well, it's really hard to think about others if you're so caught up in yourself and what you want. I see so many girls throwing their bodies out their thinking that they're powerful and that they have it all; when really they're making themselves as trash. I mean aren't trash where you eat or use something and after you're done with it you throw it away. Well, there are many girls that put themselves out there being touched from left to right and in the end, they were a man's trash from last Saturday. Is that valuable to you? That is why many women are constantly getting men that don't treat them well because they attract to what they give. If you respect your body then you will attract a man that will respect you.

I want to say that there is more to life then sex, money, nice cars, $5,000 Gucci bags, food, clothes, watching TV. We are constantly consumed with ourselves and does anyone get tired of it!? Because I do. What has happened to being honest, trustworthy, loving others more than yourself, caring and respecting elders, keeping yourself pure, being patient, giving to the poor, being a voice to the voiceless. I hear SO MANY people say, "Wow, I admire Mother Theresa or Martin Luther King or Ghandi or John Piper or Apostle Paul or whoever that made a difference in this world." As much as we admire these people, don't forget that these are just people like you and me, but decided to live their lives in a selfless way. They didn't desire to become famous; they didn't wait to become a movie star to make change happen; they didn't wait until their career is set in order to have a voice; they JUST DID IT one day at a time, one person at a time! They weren't waiting for a spark, but had a great compassion for something and went for it one at a time.

And sadly I, Jenny Phan, struggle with this everyday. I struggle in denying myself for the people. Me being a daughter of the King, Jesus Christ, I am consider His princess representing Him. I don't live my life everyday like a princess that cares for the people before me. The way you live will truly affect others. A few months ago, I was riding the bus to go home from Cal Poly and an old women came in. I saw a guy offer his seat to her and I thought, "Wow, just that small act of respect and kindness really inspired me to do the same." So a few weeks later, a women with her baby came in and it took me a while to realize how I can give my seat up for her because it's easy to forget in thinking about others first. But thankfully, I realize the women should sit and in the same way, others looked at me funny yet touched. It's SO SAD how we don't see this more often. But then we start thinking, "Well...then who is going to care for me!? I ALWAYS care for other people and they don't even notice or treat me in return." AH HA!...that's where the magic comes in =D That is the WHOLE point where you do things not for attention, not to be a "better person" thinking look at me look at me. No! It's doing it because there's more to life than yourself and you being GREATLY blessed in having food on the table, a head over your roof, clothes on your back, and a life to live, why shouldn't you help others.

What motivates me personally is being SO LOVED. Not just by my family, friends, and boyfriend, but by Jesus Christ. Most of you by now may know that I am a Christian (which means "Little Christ"). I questioned my purpose in life during my 1st year in college and after much research and meeting people, I realize how real and alive God is. I personally encountered His great love because I chose to think beyond the box and to seek it. Not much people know that this Creator wants a relationship with His people. We all have friendships, relationships with our mother, father, sisters, brothers, husband, wife, daughters, sons, and etc...but the entire point of these relationships is to show us how much our God wants a relationship with us. But sadly the church hasn't been great on sharing that message or people have been so numb to even want to see if it's true. But I want to tell you that I have experienced a great relationship with God and continually am. He would show me His heart by placing ideas of caring for His people by providing an encouraging word, a smile, food, money, or anything. He has blessed me greatly with amazing people in my life. He has protected me and watched over me. That is why I live my life the way I do. Not because I have to, but because I want to. When you are so loved, you cannot help but share that with others. It's like eating at a really nice restaurant - it's so good that you cannot help but recommend it to others. Just in the same way, God has showed me His great love through Jesus Christ, where He gave up His Son to die on the cross for me. When I see how dirty of a person I am, I realize, "Wow, how much I need a Savior to get me to heaven because I cannot do it on my own." I constantly mess up. Now, before you start thinking, "Gosh, she needs to not beat herself up, she's so hard on herself." I want to say No I'm not. I'm just facing reality rather denying it. Face it, you have lied at least once, you have looked at someone sexually at least once, you have wanted to murder someone in your mind at least once, you have cheated on a test at least once, and the list goes on. No matter how small or how big our mistakes are, we have all fallen short and sinned. Sin is sin the Bible says, just different consequences. Basically, what I'm trying to say is that I have realized how much God loves me and from that, I have been touched to love others in ways that no man can ever understand.

It is time that we stop thinking about ourselves and live a life like a Princess and Prince. Let's bring these noble traits back! I mean, look at your life...are you REALLY satisfied by the end of the day? Honestly, when you're alone at night, do you find your soul fulfilled or wanting more? I mean look at us! We eat and eat; we buy and buy more clothes; we date from one guy/girl to another; we drink and drink more to ease any pain or awkwardness; we have sex yet want more. Everything we do in life is a constant need for more. We are such needy people, but this is where we all miss the target - the ONLY thing that can satisfy us is having an intimate relationship with Jesus Christ. That is what I and many of my friends have found. Now, this doesn't mean I'm all happy-go-lucky ALL the time. I still go through pain, suffering, sorrow, grief, and all these crazy emotions, but at least I have a God that is by my side to help me get through them all. Right now, we go through temporary suffering on earth, but I'm excited for that day to come when God will wipe away my tears and take away the pain when I go to heaven just as He has promised. These few verses from the Bible talks about the new Heaven that God is going to create and what it will be like if we believe and follow Him:

"Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, 'Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.'" - Revelation 21:1-4

There is something in all of our hearts that desire to be a Princess that transform lives and Princes that rescues and saves those that are in captive. Where has these amazing, life-changing men and women go? What have we become? We aren't just animals that are born to just have sex, eat, drink, and sit on our butts. God gave us these minds, dreams, hearts, hands, and feet for a reason. What happened to just dancing in your house, singing while you clean, writing poems, reflecting, and thinking about life for a change. Doesn't it become draining to do the SAME thing over again and living life bitter and mad.

We are in a huge love story, but it's a matter if people can finally break free from the lies of the Devil that we're born to just live for ourselves and finally realize their is more to life than money, sex, and ourselves! For some reason, there is this longing in hearts that desire to be rescued and save others. Does anyone question why? Maybe because we are in need to be rescued...I mean look around us. We need a higher being to save us from destruction, pollution, diseases, cancer, hunger, pain, suffering, and death that NO MAN can ever have FULL control over. And maybe this longing to help others is from the One above who has the same heart for us. There are reasons why we dream, there are reasons why we long these things. If only people can wake up and just see how there is more to life than the American dream of ME. I'm writing this out of love, not judgement. It would be easier to shut my mouth and say nothing. But because I have realized these things, I want to question and share my experiences, my thoughts, my heart. So, I hope you can see that I care and love you all SO DEEPLY that I want ya'll to be able to live a life of freedom and fulfillment <3

"He [God] has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end." - Ecclesiastes 3:10-11

Struggling to be Still after NY

2009-07-25T13:01:00.000-07:00

So, it's been 1.5 after being back from NY. I've actually been running away from processing everything. It was too heavy for me to process everything and to finally pray to God fully with my heart. I've been running away from God too. It's funny to how I do that when I know in the end I need to go back to Him. I've been running away from everything is because I didn't want to accept the fact that the trip to NY is done. I miss NY, but mostly the people. I miss the friends that made there. The fellowship, the challenges we all went through together, and all our crazy random events. I miss the excitement and fun that we have together. I miss serving the city together shining the love of Christ to people that were walking around dead and purposeless. I miss that community. I love them so much and I am SUPER blessed to have the friends that I have made. Thank You Lord for them and for allowing me to experience all of this!!

So, I finally sat down and prayed everything that was on my heart to God. It was hard at first because my flesh and spirit was battling - it's truly like exercising. When you first exercise, you want to instantly stop and give up, but once you keep going the energy starts to build and you feel better in the end. That's how it was for me with prayer. It was such a battle at first, but after getting everything out to God, it felt so freeing. My burdens, worries, anxiousness went away because I have finally given it up to Him. After praying, I asked the Lord to show me more of Him. I actually haven't really had a quiet time with Him for a while. Even being in NY, I struggled in having quiet time with the Lord. After not having a quiet time one day, slowly I began slipping to not having any at all. I stopped reading the Bible and praying regularly. The schedule of our trip was so intense and impact that it was very difficult to be able to find time to seek God. And now that I'm home, it's even harder, but after wrestling for many weeks, I finally opened my Bible and prayed for God to grow me because I've been hungry for growth. I read Exodus 33-34 where I left off a while ago. I didn't know what to expect, but as I read the chapters out loud my heart began to move, tears began to dropped down my face, and the reverence of the Lord came into my heart. I was so touched by how God was so patient with Moses by continually reaffirming him that everything will be okay. But Moses kept fearing and begging for the Lord to be with him, and again the Lord patiently said He will. It broke me to read the words that the Lord said to Moses because that's how much He treats all of us. I have been complaining, fearful, and doubting God, but in the end He tells me, "Jenny Jenny don't be afraid. I'm with you. I will protect you." But I continually to doubt Him. He is truly so gracious and compassionate with us!

It's so good to feel God's love for me again. For me to fear Him and to have this feeling of tremble is such a great feeling. Ya'll might think, "Why? That's weird!" Well, when you fear God in a healthy way - not where you hide and thinks He's going to shoot you with a lightning bolt, but where you realize how strong, almighty, and big He is is a great fear. It's the first step of admitting that you are weak and that you need Him, which is called humility. It's easy to treat God with no respect and take advantage of His grace and forgiveness, which that's what I've been doing. I've been walking around knowing that He loves me, but losing sight of honoring Him and acknowledging He is holy and GOD!

Anyways, so these verses touched me. Just read how patient the Lord is and how much He wants to reaffirm Moses...

Exodus 33:12-23 -

One day Moses said to the Lord, “You have been telling me, ‘Take these people up to the Promised Land.’ But you haven’t told me whom you will send with me. You have told me, ‘I know you by name, and I look favorably on you.’ ¹³ If it is true that you look favorably on me, let me know your ways so I may understand you more fully and continue to enjoy your favor. And remember that this nation is your very own people.”

¹⁴ The Lord replied, “I will personally go with you, Moses, and I will give you rest—everything will be fine for you.”

¹⁵ Then Moses said, “If you don’t personally go with us, don’t make us leave this place. ¹⁶ How will anyone know that you look favorably on me—on me and on your people—if you don’t go with us? For your presence among us sets your people and me apart from all other people on the earth.”

¹⁷ The Lord replied to Moses, “I will indeed do what you have asked, for I look favorably on you, and I know you by name.”

¹⁸ Moses responded, “Then show me your glorious presence.”

¹⁹ The Lord replied, “I will make all my goodness pass before you, and I will call out my name, Yahweh, before you. For I will show mercy to anyone I choose, and I will show compassion to anyone I choose. ²⁰ But you may not look directly at my face, for no one may see me and live.” ²¹ The Lordcontinued, “Look, stand near me on this rock. ²² As my glorious presence passes by, I will hide you in the crevice of the rock and cover you with my hand until I have passed by. ²³ Then I will remove my hand and let you see me from behind. But my face will not be seen.”

Coney Island

2009-07-22T11:08:00.000-07:00

Wow! I have so much to share and update. Well, I finally have ALL the free time to write everything out. I'm home now and I have more free time than I think I want (I cannot believe I said that! lol). So, one week, our team and I went to Coney Island to help out at Lighthouse Missions Church. It was both a bittersweet place to be. I have NEVER in my last 22 years of my life have I experienced such physical labor. It honestly made me appreciate my parents more and those that does this for a living. Man-o-man, my entire body wanted to break, yet I felt stronger afterwards.

We had to clean up this lot that had a bunch of glass, trash, dirt, rocks, & weeds that needed to be cleaned up. We shoveled all these things in bags, but the bags would ripe so we would have to re-bag them. We thought that's all that we had to do, but we ended up taking the bags to the dumpsters, which was the worse thing I've ever done in my life! They weighed a ton! It would take 4 ppl struggling to pick just one bag up - they were that crazy heavy. It was impossible to carry these bags over the tall dumpsters, so thankfully we found a board to use. That board was heaven sent because we wouldn't have been able to dump all 40 bags away. The good that all came out of that hard labor is how close our team got. We all had to work as a team together in order to make any of it work. I love our team...we work so well together.

We continued to help for the entire week of helping them get ready for their 4th of July BBQ by making a bunch of meat patties, marinating chicken, passing flyers out, and finishing up cleaning the lot. On top of that, we helped clean the office up and helped distribute food during their food pantry days. It was so much fun to bless people.

Something unexpected happened was when a few Chinese grandpas and grandmas came in one day signing up for a food pantry card. They didn't really speak good English, so I decided to jump in to help them. It was AMAZING to be able to use my Chinese to help these people. For the first time, I saw use in my ethnicity and language. I grew up running away from my culture, but I can see the Lord wanted to heal me in that area. As much as I identify myself as Jenny, I'm still Asian. I'm not saying my ethnicity is my identity, but God did create me for what I am and I need to embrace it rather than running away or being ashamed of it. I didn't know I need healing in that area, but I'm glad that God is healing my heart and perception. Now, I'm SUPER excited to reach out to Asian Americans, especially the older generation.

Happy 4th of July!!!

2009-07-04T15:21:00.001-07:00

So, I FINALLY have free time to write. The past few weeks have been SUPER SUPER crazy busy with non-stop activities, events, and meetings. I don't even know where to start. I guess I'll start with how much I've been so encouraged and loved by you all. Ever since the trip started, I've been receiving encouraging emails, mails, comments, voice mails, and gifts. THANK YOU SO MUCH for loving on me and lifting my spirits up. The Lord has truly blessed me with amazing people in my life that I sometimes take for granted. Being on this trip did open up my heart and eyes to how blessed I am with the life the Lord has given me, the friends that He has placed in my life, the family I was born into, and the area I live in. I never truly appreciate the state I live in until now. I am so blessed to grew up in a beautiful sunny weather with beautiful trees, mountains, flowers, creeks, oceans, and just basically everything in Cali. I never knew how much we have - no wonder everyone wants to come here. Man! I am so spoiled!! I do not deserve any of this!

Anyways, Ya'll are probably tired of hearing my thankful rambles, but I just wanted to share how much I'm thankful for you guys =D SOOOO the good stuff! I'll start in chronological order of the events:

Being Homeless for 3 days -

On a Wednesday night, we unexpectedly was told to go back into our rooms to take 3 things with us if we're homeless. I honestly thought the activity would only last for 2-3 hours the most, but didn't expect it to be 3 days! It was the longest 3 days of my life!! It honestly felt like a month. We were unable to bring our cellular phones, real money, and keys. So, now knowing that the Poverty Simulation would last that long, I brought a small backpack to put my stuff in, a bottle of water, and a sandwich. On top o

f that, I decided to wear my Cal Poly sweatpants, a T-shirt that I wore the previous day, and a Cal Poly sweater.

Then, we had to go to the Campus Crusade Inner City Life Headquarters at a warehouse where they pack all the food and materials for people and churches. We g

ot there and all of a sudden, the directors told us we were going to sleep at the warehouse for the night on the cold concrete floors with no lights, pillows, or anything. We can only use what we got and there will be moments where they will steal our stuff if we're not holding it. The point of them stealing our stuff is to show us how it happens to people that are homeless. There are many times where homeless people would sleep on the streets or in shelter homes and people would unexpectedly steal their things. It's so sad how people would do that! Uggg!

Anyways, so I thought, "Ok, this will only last a night...whatever I'll survive." I was fine with the activity, but I was extremely frustrated that night because Brend

an and I planned to use webcams to talk that night. We didn't talk for 4-5 days in order wait until we had free time to and originally that night was my free time. So, it made

me upset that the leaders told us that it was a prayer meeting because in my mind, prayer meetings only last up to an hour. I understand that they wanted us to all come together, but not know about the activity; however, it could have been done differently where they could have said to keep that Wednesday night free for an activity and that's it. But for it to say "free time" in our schedule and the only changes they said was to add a "prayer meeting" was deceiving. As you can tell, it made me really upset lol. But I'm over it. At the time, it meant A LOT to me.

The following morning, they woke us up 7am and gave us fake $20. We had the option to use the money to buy meals for the day ($6 per meal) or take a shower ($9) or sleep upstairs on a carpet ($7). But we HAD to pay $2 for a bus fare and $2 for living in the warehouse, which left us only $16 to use for the day. On top of that, some of us randomly would have "Chance Cards" which are cards that has certain scenarios that requires us to pay a certain amount or do certain things like sleep by ourselves and etc... Also, we all as a group had to decide how to help our 2 friends that are completely homeless who won't get paid to somehow help them pay their part.

That truly challenged me to humble myself and trust that the Lord will provide after giving in a situation that I don't have much to give. That night I only bought dinner and decided to save my money for something that may happen. Afterwards, they told us that we had to leave and go to our ministry sites (places that we go to help out) with the

clothes we already have. We could not beg for food or tell anyone what we were doing. I felt so embarrassed and disgusted when I went to the ministry site. I could tell the kids and staff were curious to why we dress the way we did. I never would have thought I would feel embarrassed, but I did.

Now, I know how people that are homeless feels in wearing the same clothes everyday, not being able to brush your teeth or wash your face or take a shower, and why they sleep all the time since there is nothing to look forward to. We went through this for three days and by the 3rd day, we all STUNK!! It was so sad! I could not believe I was going through the simulation. We had to be out of the warehouse 7am and be back 7pm, so after our ministry sites, we had a few hours to walk around and wait. Most of us ended up sleeping and lounging around. We had no energy whatsoever to pursue people. Even though we weren't going to be homeless forever, but at the moment it was so hard to get our mindsets out of that. Also, it was cold in NY at the time, so we would sleep to try to numb the coldness awa

y and block our minds out. I could not even function to read my Bible or journal. I tried to praise God and be thankful, but it was really hard.

Words cannot describe how bad it was. Even writing it out isn't enough to describe how hard it was. But at the same time, it was such an AMAZING growing experience. I learned to appreciate what I have more and to not spend my money carelessly. While I was homeless, I asked a few people that were handing out Christian tracks for money and all of them would say they don't have money, but in the end a woman gave $5 while another guy gave $0.25. It hurt me a lot because looking at them with their nice clothes and plumped faces, you know they had more money than they need. Being in the shoes of a homeless, I felt judged and less of a person. A group of us walked down a neighborhood and this woman walked by with her baby. I said Hi, but the woman immediately walked away turning her head. OH YEAH...people kept turning their heads and ignoring us. So for ya'll to know, it's BETTER to acknowledge a person that is homeless and talk to them like a human being than ignoring them. I know that before the Poverty Simulation, I thought looking at a person that is homeless would offend them or make them feel uncomfortable, but a simple smile or talk would mean the world to them. We're all created to have relationships and community with people.

By the 3rd day, I honestly felt like I was gonna go crazy. What drove me crazy was not being able to know the time and not having anything to look forward to. When you're homeless, you feel there is no hope for you anymore. As children of God, let's make a greater effort to bring hope to people. One BIG thing I learned is it's useless to reach to a homeless person without providing some type of action, such as buying/giving a meal, toothbrush/paste, or a blanket/clothing. Here is an example:

My group and I went up to a lady for money and she tried to talk to us about God and end times, but didn't even care to get to know us at all. She began with "I don't have change, but let me talk to you about the bread of life." Honestly, in our minds we were dead hungry and could careless about what she had to say. And the crazy thing is that we're Christians too, so we know what she was trying to do. But you honestly CANNOT reach to the poor with merely words. These people have been hurt and deceived in so many ways that if they do not see some any action, it's hard for them to even trust or believe what you have to say. Don't even just give the food and walk away, but take the time to talk to them and hear their stories. Not only will you help fulfill their physical need for the moment, but also the emotional need. As the Lord has bless you to be good stewards, let's actually do it. Talk is honestly cheap if their is no action to back it up. And action is cheap if the gospel isn't being preached. Faith and deeds go hand-in-hand.

So to end my homeless story, we had one last assignment, which we didn't know it was our last one. And it was to talk to different types of people about homeless and get information from the public how and where to go to find a food pantry, a shelter, and so forth. Being able to figure out where people can go for help actually helped us too. Now we know where to direct people when needed. There are so many things I didn't even know that goes into figuring out which and how to go to a homeless shelter. It's more technical than you think. We also collected cans and gave it to a person that needed it more than us. It was awesome to talk and help others out even though we didn't "feel" good about ourselves. After the assignment, the director gave us a "chance card" because we were late and by now, I didn't care anymore. When we read it, I jumped for joy and hugged my team members and teared up a little. It told us that the Poverty Simulation was officially OVER and for us to go back to our apartments and change into something nice for a dinner to celebrate. I couldn't stop cheering and praising God out loud. People probably thought I was crazy, but OMGoodness it was such a glorious moment. So we went to dinner and everyone looked wonderful and the food was spectacular. Here are some pics:

*I got a powerful handout that helped me learn how to reach to the poor:

When the Gospel comes to you, it replaces a middle-class mindset with the spirit of the poor. That means at least 4 things -

1) Acknowledge that YOU are needy:

The middle-class spirit says: "If I live a good life then I will have something of value to present to God. If I give to the poor, show mercy and do justice I can present something to God that He will value. I can do it!" But the Gospel says: "No on is good, n not one." Even our good deeds are filthy rags. They stink of self-righteousness. Because they have been done to feel superior to others and to get leverage with God so that He owes us a good life. They have absolutely no value to God.

2) Acknowledge that you are powerless:

The middle class spirit says: "Okay, if I have failed I will just pick myself up and try harder. I will turn over a new leaf. I may be down, but I am not out. I'll double my effort. Never say never, think positive, visualize success - I can do it. I will do it!" But the Gospel says: "Not only are you spiritually bankrupt with nothing of value to present to God, but you are totally incapable of reversing the situation." It is like drowning man trying to pull himself out by his own hair. No, it is worse. It is like a dead man trying to dig himself out of the grave. The Bible says: "You are spiritually dead. Totally powerless to do anything that would merit God's approval."

3) Everything you have is a gift from God:

The gospel calls us to discard the "rights mentality" prevalent in our culture today. This mentality common among the middle-class says that you have rights - you have worked hard to earn your money and possessions and you have the right to a life of comfort and the leisure time to enjoy the fruits of the labor. The gospel says that everything we have is a gift from our heavenly Father and is given to us as stewards. We give up all of our "rights."

4) Acknowledge that your only HOPE is a poor man:

Trust in the King [Jesus] who became a poor man. He was born in a feed bin, in a cattle shed. At His dedication, His parents gave the smallest offering possible. He was raised in a poor family, in a poor community All His life He was poor. "Foxes have holes and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay His head." He entered Jerusalem on a borrowed donkey, had His last meal in a borrowed room, and was buried in a borrowed grave. He died naked, He had little the world valued, and the little He had was taken away. He was discarded, thrown away. And only because He did all that do YOU have any hope. Your only hope is a crucified poor man. If this offends you, you are a middle class in spirit and you cannot be saved. You must become the poor. And finally, the Gospel calls us and enables us to love the poor.

**I will continue sharing more things that happened in other posts :) Time to go see the fireworks! =D Bye Ya'll!!!

Week 2: First Ministry Site

2009-06-16T13:34:00.000-07:00

Wow! I just can't even start without saying that. A mixture of shock and in awe. This week, my team and I were expected to tutor and watch over children, but when we got there, it was a large range of different students ranging from 5 to 16 years old. I expected small little 5 years old running around, so it did surprised me at first. I was also surprised to the way the teacher disciplined her students. It was REALLY hard for me to just stand there and not speak up. I wanted to defend these students because she would constantly yell at everything - when I mean everything, I mean EVERYTHING. It was hard for me to have compassion over her, but the Lord showed me that she too has a story and a heart and a soul today (day 2 at the site). It's so easy to forget how people actually have stories and reasonings to why they behave the way they do. People don't just wants to be angry, hardened people. I love how the Lord graciously poured into our hearts some of His attributes and love by creating us in His image :)

So the first day was a difficult for me to see the teacher praise God's name, but yell at the children like dogs. I personally do not see that as sharing the love of Christ. I believe in disciplining and spanking, but not in a harsh, rude way. Thankfully, by God's blessing, He allowed my team and I to enter a more joyful environment today :D OH MY GOODNESS!!!!! I cannot even have words to describe how amazing it was. We sang worship songs, danced, laughed together, and just praising our Lord Jesus Christ!!!! It was so precious to see three little girls dancing to the Lord and getting everyone in on it; that is what the Lord wants - genuine worship with no hesitation. And the day kept on getting better...

I ended up tutoring 2 boys today with math and it was really awesome to be able to talk to them about life while doing their math. I had the opportunity to share with them my life and how I overcame anger. One of the boys struggles with anger. It was very obvious from day 1 that he gets angry easily and starves for attention. I talked to him a few times and found out that his parents are separated and his dad left without any notice. I can tell this young boy loves his dad and wants him in his life. He also kept explaining how he doesn't get noticed or appreciated by anyone and how his family keeps on getting mad at him. It makes sense to why it's hard for him to focus in school. His mind cannot help but think about his dad and have all these confusion and frustration in me bottling up. At first, this boy seemed annoying, but as I got to know his story, it softened my heart in having compassion over him. It's so easy for

all of us to have little grace and treat people the way they appear. And sadly that is how the world works. But if we just stop for a second and look deeper beyond people's angry faces, we will see that there are many pain and insecurities lying inside that we ALL can relate with.

Anyways, back with my day lol....so, it was awesome to share with him my struggles growing up as a child. I grew up friends and family making fun of my appearance. I remembered getting made fun of how dark I was or my nose or my freckles or my hairy arms or my weight or my this and that. It was a constant thing growing up - I w

as never good enough. But finally I was able to accept the way God created me and claim my beauty! Two years ago, I finally made a choice to believe Psalm 139 in the Bible that I am made wonderfully and beautifully. God created me the way He did and I am thankful for the features, spirit, and body that He has crea

ted me! Through that acceptance

and choice, a spirit of joy and security in the Lord began to flow out of me that I cannot eve

r attain from people. As I was sharing this, the two boys and three girls began asking many questions and was shocked to hear what they did. They all complimented me that I'm beautiful - it was so cute. It was good to share with them the right way in finding their security - NOT in money, grades, boys, girls, or career, but in Jesus Christ. It was good to also give the young boy some things I do to calm down when I get angry or upset. And he actually did some today, which was awesome to see :) God is sooooo good!

I was also able to talk to a 8 year old girl about God and the church. It was crazy how I was having a deep, intense conversation with an 8 year old! She was venting about the point of going to church. She is a very very intelligent girl that is able to understand any subject quickly. But at the same time, you can see evidently the pride that came with it. She went off how there is no point of going to church if she can read the Bible or pray on her own. She said it wastes her morning to get ready and drive all the way to church when she knows already what the pastor preaches about. It was cool to be able to talk to her about this and share with her my testimony and past experience with the church. I have entered that stage of being not going to church because I didn't get anything out of it, but forgetting the fellowship aspect. Church is not created to "entertain" us, but to get to know Him more in a different way and to meet with other brothers and sisters in Christ. It's like a once a week party kind of deal. But the little girl kept on explaining how she gets bored easily at church and how she's not challenged. So I challenged her. As much as she knows, can she apply it. I challenged her to practice patience and humility. Though she "knows" everything in the Bible and what is right from wrong, but that is all trash to God if she cannot live it out and for her HEART to be transformed. She got quiet when I challenged her to be patient, humble, and blessing others by listening. There are many MANY times that people would share with me things that I have already know, but I stay quiet, listen, and VALUE what they have to say. Often times, we like to prove what we know or our capabilities because it comes down to finding our worth in the wrong places. She had to go home, but I'm excited to talk to her more about it tomorrow if I get the chance again. It was very unexpected for me to have that type of conversation with an 8 year old, but it was awesome :)

There were so many awesome, deep conversations that went on today with the other members in my team too. Jonni was able to talk to the oldest and most influential boy in the group. It was cool to see and hear them talk about the Bible and life. And it was also insightful to hear about the way people act in the hood of Brooklyn from one of the girls. She explained to one of our team member, Jessica, how boys and girls respond and react to things. It was awesome to see a 14 year old girl not get sucked into the media as sex objects. She is a strong girl that respects her body, which is so rare to find. I pray that she will continue to not give into the lies that the world tells to girls about their body and identity.

I also learned a few new hand games with the little girls!!! They're SOOO COOL!!!! I cannot wait to show them off to everyone ;)

Ok Ya'll, I'm bouncing to go take a nap, but wanted to let ya'll know what's going on before I forget :) I love you all and please continue to keep us all in your prayers. Many people in the trip are already getting physically, emotionally, and spiritually overwhelmed by everything, especially with the tight & intense schedule that we have. The Lord is moving and I cannot wait to see what He has laid before us :)

Talk to you guys soon!!!

xoxo

Jenny

I'm HERE!!!

2009-06-14T16:41:00.000-07:00

So it's been 6 days in NY and I finally have the time to sit and blog :) It's been a crazy, busy week of getting to know people and the city. The first few days we got to know the city by taking the subway with other students and figuring out how to get around New York. The subways reminded me of BART from the Bay Area, but it was confusing for me at first. Now, I'm kind of getting the hang of it. We also learned how to read maps and know the etiquette of NY, which I thought was interesting. For instance, it's rude to talk in the subway loud because that's most ppl's down time to take a nap or process their day. Back in Cali, people talk in buses and in BART with no issues of being loud or not. So, that was interesting.

I have to admit that the first 3-4 days were really hard. I did not expect myself to already be emotional. I cried the first few days missing Brendan, friends, and family. I think it was overwhelming for me without even knowing it. I haven't had the time to process and take everything in. But now I'm good. I've developed close friendships already that I could

go to for prayer or anything. The people here are SUPER nice, especially the girls. I love them already!! I couldn't stop praising God for surrounding me with girls that are so caring and loving.

My roommates are all great and easy to get along :) It's evident that they all love the Lord. I officially found my twin - like officially. I've never met someone SO ALIKE to me ever!! My bunkbed buddy Sam is just like me - pretty scary, but not lol. It's nice to have someone that completely understands where you're coming from and not be afraid to offend each other.

So far, I've been depending on God a lot ever since I came here. The first day that I was here, I didn't make

much time to pray and pull away to be refreshed in the Word, which hurt me a lot. So, I began waking up an hour earlier to spend time to pray, sing, meditate, and read the Word. It's been refreshing and I feel much more armored. However, it was hard in the beginning to pray while loud, busy c

ars driving all the time. The Lord is so good and faithful. Today, at church, I was moved and humbled by the Spirit. I still cannot believe to how God wants to use me and sees something in me. I don't understand why He would use me out of all people - it always gets to me when I think about it. I'm glad that the Lord is breaking me and showing me how much I need Him. I have to admit that I was prideful in the beginning of project - it creep in without me knowing it. I've talked and made relationships with the homeless, at-risk youth, and all types of people before. It was easy to show off to how much I know and have dealt with. I really hate thinking that way and by the grace of God, He helped me to remove those prideful thoughts. I started thinking why I had these thoughts an

d it all came down to wanting to find my worth and value in other people's eyes that do not know me and have not seen the works I've done for the Lord. Basically, it comes down to one word: INSECURE. But why should I care what mere man thinks of me? If you think of it, people can only give temporary pleasure with their words, opinions, touch, and so forth, but God fulfills ALL our needs. He's the Alpha and Omega - the Creator of the UNIVERSE!! He actually gives life to souls - man can't. Sorry to break it down to ya'll, but only He can give life to people and by the grace of the Lord, He has allowed us to be part of giving life to others. I hate how I fall into caring what people think about me, but I can see God helping me weave that out :)

I have so much more to tell, which I will go onto a different blog to not overwhelm you. The next one will be more funn - all about scandalousness in Chinatown, going to a church in a building I've never would of thought, & discovering how loud Californians are lol :) ... so next blog ya'll!!!

1 Day Until NY!!

2009-06-08T09:45:00.000-07:00

So, I'm finally able to just stop, process, and write things out. Lately, I've been super busy with finishing up school and getting ready for NY. It's been nonstop craziness, but the awesome part is that I can really sense the Lord carrying me through it all. Those that know me well, I freak out pretty easily, but this time there was this great sense of peace and strength that I cannot describe. I did get a little anxious, but in the end God truly calmed me down. He really took care of me, I cannot stop acknowledging that because He did. I'm finally DONNEEE with Spring quarter!!! Whoo Hoo!!! Now, pack, pack, & pack!

I cannot believe I'm going to NY on a missions trip. This is UNREAL! I honestly planned to take summer school and work to start saving up for Brendan and I's future, but God totally changed up my plans, which I'm glad He did - now some adventure!! Yay! But it hasn't hit me yet that I'm going. Two years ago when I mentioned to my parents of going to one, they never approved. They were constantly fearful of me getting raped, murdered, or get some kind of a disease. But now they're allowing me to go!! So unreal! If God wants something to happen, He'll make it happen. And on top of that, He totally provided. I had no idea how to raise money within a short period of time, but He totally provided, which was INCREDIBLE to what He did.

I don't think it will hit me until I get on the plane. But I can tell He is preparing me in great ways just by having friends encouraging and comforting my heart before I go. My EPIC and CalvarySLO family has truly been a great encouragement and blessing to me. They've seen the good and the bad side of me, but they still stick around pouring their joy and love unto me. I am so broken right now. I honestly do not deserve the friends that I have, the family that I have, the boyfriend that I have, the shelter & clothes & food that I have, or the eternal life that God has given me. Honestly, without Him I am totally nothing. He has turned this ugly duckling that was a nobody to a daughter of the King with a purpose of giving life to others. I am SO SO SO thankful to be used for His Kingdom. I sometimes question, "Why me?" Out of all people, He chose me to love and reveal His greatness to me. Thank You Lord for seeing something in me and wanting to take a piece of coal and transform it into a piece of artwork!

So, uno mas dia left and off to NY! I will continue to keep ya'll posted. Thank you again for ALL your support, prayers, encouragements, and love. You have NO IDEA how blessed I am by YOU!!!!!

God is good....all the time! I'm gonna miss everyone! <3

Struggles: Selfish, Love, Selfish...

2009-05-17T16:59:00.000-07:00

It's been a VERY LONG time since I last blogged here. I've been learning a lot, but haven't had the time to write. I've been super busy the last two quarters with school, school, and MORE school. I'm taking 20 units right now (Spring quarter) and it's my first time doing it. Oh my, I thought I could do it, but you truly do not have a social life...well, it's just hard to juggle. I've been battling for a while and still battling with balancing Epic and CalvarySLO friends. Sometimes I feel guilty in not being there for just a week. I want to be there for everyone, yet it's hard to make it to all the events and activities. I've been feeling guilty for the longest time and thinking that ppl were disappointed by me. I'm trying to stop assuming and be secure in the Lord. That's basically what it is...insecurities.

God has actually been revealing how insecure I've been and how self-center I am. When I care what others think about me and hesitate, it shows that I care more about myself than God. Ugggg...I hate how I struggle with that. I pray for God's spirit of boldness and courage. Anyways, I've been struggling with legalism. It's so hard to admit that because I thought I would be the last person to fall into that since I never truly struggle in having faith of God's love. That is why Paul warns us to not be prideful.

"So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall! No temptation has seized you except what is common to man." - 1 Corinthians 10:1-13

I struggle with that a lot actually. Though my heart desires to be humble, yet my mind tricks me to think that I'll be fine. That's the whole point of having Christ in our lives - to admit that we're weak DAILY and to ASK Him for His help. Sometimes I ask God for help and He gives me the strength and I quickly run with it leaving Him behind. I hate that about myself. And graciously God gives me the ability to do it for a few weeks, then He disciplines me by pulling the strength I thought I had gone. Oh Jesus, thank You for being so gracious and patient with me! That's one big thing that I've been struggling with.

So I have to share what I was reminded again today. Pastor Bryan talked about baptism and the purpose of it. Again, I thought I know what baptism is and it doesn't really apply to me, so I basically zone out. I was listening yet at the same time trying to not fall asleep. It's bad...I know. Again, I hate how I can be like this, but this is the truth that I don't want to mask. And graciously AGAIN God provided some type of revelation when I wasn't expecting nor asking for it. In the middle of the message, Bryan explained how being baptized means being swallowed by God - in a good way. It's actually a beautiful picture if you think of it. So, Bryan continued about baptism and this is where it touched me deeply. I haven't had this deep touch by God for a while, so it was cool to be tender to His love and Word. Bryan explained how Jesus asked John the Baptist to baptize Him, but the problem with that is Jesus is WITHOUT sin and does NOT need to be baptized. Baptism is for those that is fully of sin and dirtiness and needs to turn around. Jesus does NOT need to, BUT He does in order to experience that with us - to be close to us even through our pain, suffering, hardship, and dark moments in our lives. WOW! That was when it hit me. Jesus WANTS to experience every aspect of our lives. I've known this and even felt it before, but maintaining that consistently is hard. It truly hit me after hearing that because I've been struggling in thinking that I need to clean myself up in order to be close to God. I have NO IDEA how that mindset began plaguing my mind. No idea. It's so far from the truth and legalistic. But again and again and AGAIN God is so patient with me in showing me that HE LOVES ME SOOOOO MUCH!!!! He would answer my prayers even when I'm in sin. He would show me His greatness even when I'm not perfect. He just loves me unconditionally. Wow! Wow! WOW!!!! Sadly, it's hard for me to see that when I live in such a conditional world. That is why it's so important to show each other His love in order to know that it is real and profound. Dang!!! So crazy!!!

I hate how I struggle in loving others unconditionally. And I hate how I need to surrender EVERYDAY in order to receive this kind of unconditionally, deep, crazy love. The reason why I hate it is because it means work on my part that I believe is the most difficult to do - to be STILL. Waiting upon God to give the strength is soo difficult. It's much easier to try to attempt in our own, yet we fail every time. Why do I even put myself in that cycle. It takes longer to get over the mountain. Basically, I'm wrestling with God and I just need to stop and sit on the passengers seat. That's the thing, God wants us to sit back, relax, and watch Him move, yet I get in the way because I want to shine and be on the front stage. Ugggg.....sad how I long for that, yet thankful for God being patient with me even knowing my selfish motive.

I want to love others, especially those that are really close to me (i.e. family, parents, Brendan). I want this:

"I mean to be in a relationship w/ God is to be loved purely & furiously. And a person who thinks of himself unlovable cannot be in a relationship w/ God because he can't accept who God is; Being that is love. We learn that we are lovable or unlovable from other people. That is why God tells us so MANY times to LOVE each other. I will give you this, my love, and I will not bargain or barter any longer. I will love you, as sure as he has loved me." - Donald Miller (Blue Like Jazz)

Weary

2008-10-15T01:20:00.000-07:00

This entire summer has been hectic and crazy for me dealing with many relationship battles. Finally the storm has died down and now the healing and rest begins, but before that is able to happen school began. Already after 2 days of school, I've been feeling overwhelmed by many events, papers, quizzes, projects, and presentations going on. Every morning I wake up and every night before I go to bed, all that would be on my mind is what to do next.

Anxiousness will always creep in even if I didn't want to. Lately, I've been getting nudges from God in finding rest in Him, yet I would push that little voice away telling myself that I have a lot to do and I need to do it now; there is no time to rest! Finally, my fuel tank ran dry and I couldn't go anymore. When I came home from my last class today, I wanted to just rest and be soaked in the Lord's presence; however, once I step foot in the house I began thinking I need to wash the dishes, I need to clean my room, I need to do this, I need to do that - I became Martha in the Bible constantly on the go and using the name of the Lord for it. I forgot that obedience is more pleasing to the Lord than sacrifice.

"But Samuel replied,

'What is more pleasing to the Lord:
your burnt offerings and sacrifices
or your obedience to his voice?
Listen! Obedience is better than sacrifice,
and submission is better than offering the fat of rams.'" - 1 Samuel 15:22

I question why that is and what the difference is over the summer when I was studying the life of King David. After some time, it makes sense to why our Lord would prefer obedience over sacrifice. For example, a person might claim the reason why they had sex with a homosexual was to try to convert them -or- robbing a bank in order to give a greater tithe/offering or a wife divorcing her husband because she had found the man God intended her to marry, though she was already married. The excuses continues to go on. Sometimes we use God as an excuse for disobedience. Though this may not be the extreme cases for me right now, but for me to disobey the number #1 commandment of loving my Lord with ALL my heart, my soul, my mind, and strength because I have to sacrifice ALL my time for school a nd ministry doesn't mean it's okay. Looking at my relationship with Brendan, I rather have an hour of just talking and spending quality time together than him giving me a bunch of stuff. And this same goes with parents and children. Kids would rather spend time with their parents than their parents throwing money at them in replacement of their neglection.

So, finally my fuel tank just dropped to empty this afternoon and I had to fall on my knees before the Lord and just allow Him to fill me up. In the beginning it was hard to sit still and not want to do something, but after 10 minutes went by, this great peace came over me. After praying, singing & dancing to Him, and being soaked in His Word, I felt so rejuvenated and overwhelmed by His spirit. He reminded me to not fear and that my identity is found in Christ, not in my grades, ministry, or people. I fear in failing in people's eyes, but He secured my heart in reminding me that He is holding the plans of my life in the palm of His almighty hands - nothing can be added or taken away from it by my works. It was so comforting to know that my life is not controlled by the world or peop le around me, but by a perfect, righteous, and beautiful Lord & Savior!

"What do people really get for all their hard work? I have seen the burden God has placed on us all. Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end. And I know that whatever God does is final. Nothing can be added to it or taken from it. God's purpose is that people should fear him." - Ecclesiastes 3:9-11,14

The reason why I'm writing this to you all is because I want to encourage each and everyone of you that you don't need to do this all on your own. I constantly struggle with busyness and neglecting the One I call my Lord. How can I be a hypocrite in preaching and singing how I give my life to Him when I don't. Let us not be consumed of the world and it's way of handling things. We have something better! A God that cares and desire to have us live such an abundant life. We think we know what is best for us with our itty bitty min ds when the God Almighty who created amazing mountains, trees, flowers, rocks, the ocean, and galaxy knows much better of what is good for us. May all that we do be in the for the glory of our Lord, not for us to boast ourselves!

"Remember, dear brothers and sisters, that few of you were wise in the world's eyes or powerful or wealthy when God called you. Instead, God chose things the world considers foolish in order to shame those who think they are wise. And he chose things that are powerless to shame those who are powerful. God chose things despised by the world, things counted as nothing at all, and used them to bring to nothing what the world considers important. As a result, no one can ever boast in the presence of God." - 1 Cor. 1:26-29

"There is no wisdom, no insight, no plan that can succeed against the LORD." - Proverbs 21:29

I love you all and I pray that every brother and sister in Christ will continue to allow the Lord to lead them and not forget to what the Lord has done in your life. You were once lost, empty, and unsatisfied with the world, but now you are found with purpose and fulfillment!

"Finally, all of you should be of one mind. Sympathize with each other. Love each other as brothers and sisters. Be tenderhearted, and keep a humble attitude." - 1 Peter 3:8

much love in Christ,
Jenny Phan

A little goes a LONG way...

2008-08-07T18:11:00.000-07:00

"As soon as Jesus heard the news, He left in a boat to a remote area to be alone. But the crowds heard where He was headed and followed on foot from many towns. Jesus saw the huge crowd as He stepped from the boat, and He had compassion on them and healed their sick.

That evening the disciples came to Him and said, 'This is a remote place, and it's already getting late. Send the crowds away so they can go to the villages and buy food for themselves.'

But Jesus said, 'That isn't necessary - you feed them!'

'But we have only 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish!' they answered.

'Bring them here,' He said. Then He told the people to sit down on the grass. Jesus took the 5 loaves and 2 fish, looked up toward heaven, and blessed them. Then, breaking the loaves into pieces, He gave the bread to the disciples, who distributed it to the people. They all ate as much as they wanted, and afterward, the disciples picked up 12 baskets of leftovers. About 5,000 men were fed that day, in addition to all the women and children!" -- Matthew 14:13-21

This story is such a beautiful example to what God can do. Every time I read this story, I thought to how big God is and what appears to be impossible to man is TRULY possible with God.

"What is impossible for people is possible with God." -- Luke 18:27

Sometimes I forget what God can do especially when I personally do not see much hope. All I see is the situation I'm in; however, God is capable of seeing both the big picture and the small details in our lives. He created us and placed us in His will that He created. If He created us, He surely can clean up our mess and heal us.

But what I did not see was to how Jesus approached the situation. On Sunday, when Gary (president of International Justice Mission) spoke about this, he explained how Jesus told the disciples to GIVE to the little that they do have to HIM! They truly only had 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish - that amount surely CANNOT feed 5,000 people. But this illustration shows that Jesus will take even a little obedience and faith that we have and can blow it into a miracle. How amazing is that! When I heard that, it truly hit me right in the heart because that is something that I am struggling right now. I feel like whenever I'm in a deep hole that I either put myself in or was placed in, there is no way out, but Jesus is telling me to give me what I have and all I can give to Him is my prayer and faith. With little that I have, He can BLOW it up into something BIG in His timing and will. Hearing that truly lifted a HUGE burden off my shoulders.

On top of that, the story of David and Goliath in 1 Samuel 17:32-50 shows such an amazing victory! David who is young, skinny, and appears to be weak compare to Goliath who is big and strong, yet the Lord helped David defeat the big, ugly monster! No matter how small, low of an IQ we have, if the Lord is with us NOTHING can be against us. If we keep looking on our problem then we will fall, but if we keep looking at God than nothing can bring us down. Even looking at the life of Jesus, He has been through every worse situation possible - you name it and he has endure it. He was born in the lowest of the low, been spit at, mocked at, lost a good friend (John the Baptist), doubted by His own creations, hated on, denied by His disciples who were at the time His closest friends, and much much more. If He was able to still have so much hope and love through all of that than we will be able to, but it's a matter of where we fixed our thoughts on. If we put hope in ourselves and people, it will surely tumble; however, if we put our hope on the Almighty God than things will flourish. The following video short video is Max Lucado explaining how to face our giants. I totally recommend to watch it. It's not that long and will truly transform your life. Here's the video link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PRgt0gMkOnM

"The Lord is my light and my salvation -

so why should I be afraid?

The Lord is my fortress, protecting me from danger,

so why should I tremble?

When evil people come to devour me,

when my enemies and foes attack me,

they will stumble and fall.

Though a mighty army surrounds me,

my heart will not be afraid.

Even if I am attacked,

I will remain confident." -- Psalm 27:1-3

These were the scriptures that a 16 year old girl from Cambodia held onto while she was forced to have sex with many men. She was kidnapped from home and was forced to prostitute herself, but by the grace of God she is saved now from International Justice Mission. From that, you would expect this girl to be scarred for life and unable to find joy or hope, but she held onto the Lord and now she's safe and going to college. How amazing is that!

I have to admit that the last 3 days, I've been having hopeless, depressive, and even suicidal thoughts. For some reason, I felt like there is no point in me living. Nothing dramatic happened in my life for me to think this way, but I was so focused on my frustration with my parents and Christians around me. It seems like what I said did not matter. All these years in trying to make my parents understand me and my faith didn't make much change, which frustrated me. All these months of giving godly counseling and advice for some of my friends with their lives did not make much difference. No one was listening. No one cared. What is the point of living? It was so hard to get myself out of this mindset. I began getting huge migraines and suicidal images. Finally, I had to go before the Lord and give this burden all to Him. I was not created to carry on such a burden. He ultimately wanted me to give - GIVE it all to Him. He can take care of it all. The reason why He wants us to do that is to show us how much He exists, can do, and care. It's like a boy showing off his skills before a girl showing her what he is capable of doing. That's what God is doing to us. He wants to show what He can do and how much He loves us.

So do not lose hope. A little obedience can truly go a long way, but it's a matter of us choosing it or not.

It's all NOT yours...

2008-06-04T19:45:00.000-07:00

"After this prayer, the meeting place shook, and they were all filled with the Holy Spirit. Then they preached the word of God with boldness." -- Acts 4:31

"All the believers were united in heart and mind. And they felt that what they owned was not their own, so they shared everything they had." -- Acts 4:32

Both of these verses stuck out to me today while I was reading Acts. What I got out of it was the importance of being bold. When we're so confident in the Lord and for what He has done, there's no need to fear. When we are not confident in something, then we cannot be bold - it's even hard to fake it. I know that I struggle in talking about certain topics because I, myself, have not really researched it myself to even be confident in something. Although I do have an opinion of something, but it's easy to get burned down when we have nothing to back our point. I tend to use, "I heard from this person" or "This person said" and I would usually end up feeling like a fool and useless in even voicing my opinion.

We cannot always rely on others to prove our point. It's sooo important for us to be in the Word of God, to research, and study it out. However, I know there are so many people that may have much knowledge, but uses it for their own good. Though there are some that would say they're doing it out of love, yet strikes you down with their knowledge, that to me is not love. It's tempting to use what we know and hurt others with it. We need to use what God has given us to help others. Like the second verse that I put up where it says:

"All the believers were united in heart and mind. And they felt that what they owned was not their own, so they shared everything they had" (Acts 4:32)

All the knowledge, materials, things that we receive, it's truly NOT ours. We, in our head, think it is because we either worked for it or we thought it came from our OWN heads, when the truth is it came from God. Even as I'm writing, there's this pride in me thinking, "Wow! I got this revelation on my own!" When in fact it's ALL God. I honestly cannot take any of this credit whatsoever, but it's sooo easy to fall into that because it came from OUR bodies, so we figure, it has to be from us. We should have a humble heart and be honor that God would even want to use us and give us anything. What God has given us, we should SHARE it to others. Again, it's tempting to keep it to ourselves, but that's when disunity and wickedness seeps in.

If you think back to the 1st verse that I posted, the people was bold not out of their own power, but by the Holy Spirit, which ultimately is from God. We didn't create this earth; we didn't create ourselves -- God did! So, the things around us is truly not ours. But it is by God's grace and love that He would even want to bless us with anything. Like being in the workforce, when you're promoted to be manager, it's an honor to be one. As God has trusted us with His things, we too need to manage it well with what we know and have.

Same goes with the Good News. God has revealed something special to us; we shouldn't be selfish and keep it to ourselves. When something great happens to our life, don't we go and tell people about it? So why are many Christians afraid to express their relationship and love with God? I confess that I struggle in being bold with my faith. We all use excuses of saying that "evangelism" is not our thing. I'm learning more and more that evangelizing is not an option, it should be in our daily lifestyle. BUT does this mean we go off and get in people's face and shove the Good News down their throats everyday!? NO!!! That is where it is extremely important to be guided by the Holy Spirit because there will be times when God will use us with our words OR with our bodies by showing His love with our servanthood. There is a time for everything. A time to speak and a time to be quiet. Sometimes your presence can make such a huge difference, so it's not all about words. It all goes back to being in tune with the spirit.

It is truly by God's grace and mercy that He doesn't strike us down for our selfish, sinful ways. The way God has blessed you, we should bless others as well =) God is so good and I'm glad that I'm able to share what I learned with you all!

with much love in Him,

Jenny - your sister in Christ

Deny myself

2008-06-04T19:39:00.001-07:00

I need to daily remind myself to deny my selfish ways and to take up the cross daily. No matter how much I may get insulted or may be wronged by others, I still need to deny myself and take up the cross. Jesus is such a great example of being obedient to the Father's will. It's my prayer for myself and for you all to stop and remember to deny yourself, your reputation, your image, your selfish desires and to focus on the cross. And it is through love that others will see that we're His disciples.

"If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross daily, and follow me [Jesus]." Luke 9:23

"Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples." John 13:35

Update

2008-06-03T11:44:00.000-07:00

So I haven't been on here for a while! I miss writing and getting my thoughts out there, but for reason I don't lol. So, I was reading the book of Acts in the Bible today. As I was reading it, something popped out to me. I was reading about Peter and John who saw a lame, crippled beggar that was healed in the name of Jesus Christ. Usually when I read that, I would be like, "Okay. Cool. People can be healed by faith in the name of Jesus Christ." But this time, when I read it, what stuck out to me was the part when Peter said, "People of Israel, what is so surprising about this? And why stare at us as though we had made this man walk by our own power or godliness? For it is the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob..." It's interesting to how we become so astonished when things like this happens. Like Peter, why should we be surprised. We should be firm and see it as a natural thing for God to perform. The way Peter questioned the people's amazement illustrates the people's lack of faith in what God can do.

I know many Christians are amazed by miracles too. Why are we surprised that God can do that? I just thought that was interesting to see how Peter questions to why it's surprising to see that a lame crippled beggar can be healed. Instead, we should react in full confidence and FAITH that God can do such a thing. Even if something miraculous is done not in the Lord's will (i.e. psychics/magicians), we should pray and have faith that our Lord & Savior's hand is on it even when it appears to not be happening.

I've been learning lately how important WAITING & PRAYING is. During the waiting process is when most growing and sharpening of our character comes in. It creates an increase and reliance on God. It also increases our patience, faith, endurance, and embracing the Lord's presence. I grew up having a mother that is on top of things and does things quick yet good. And I find myself picking up her traits. When I go shopping or do anything, I tend to do it in a quick mode and not stopping. But I can see that doesn't allow the Lord to grow or depend on Him, which we then become drained and our fuel runs out. I can see why my mom gets irritated and stressed easily because she relies on herself. She'll be on top of things until she has no more strength and that's when she takes her stress and frustration on others. I can see myself doing the exact same thing. God, by His grace and mercy, have granted us some ability to do and think things on our own; however, we use this freedom that God has given us not really for Him. I don't know if that made sense or not, but yeah.

So, that's what I've been learning lately. God is so awesome and lately I've been feeling secure in His plans and love. I'm seeing more and more that everything around me can fall apart, but God's love for me will remain forever. How amazing is that!!! As I look all the things around me -- the people, the area, this earth -- everything is slowly perishing. I, too, will age, become old, wrinkly, and saggy. It's out of my control and this entire time, I believed that I have control of myself when I entirely don't. I honestly cannot control who likes me and who doesn't, but what I can is having a heart that is willing to keep on falling in love with Jesus Christ. I am thankful for Jesus to open my heart and mind in this revelation. It's easy to get caught up in our life, but when things fall apart, we realize that we cannot depend on ourselves or the things around us. I was able to reach this stage when something traumatic happened in my life 2 weeks ago. I didn't necessarily got in a huge accident or experience a near-death situation to realize this. I actually just experienced a more emotional drama, but it's good now. Everything worked out well and I feel like I became stronger in the Lord. I feel more at peace and secure in the Lord. I question why God had to put me through that and I can see it was like a wake-up call for me. He is showing me that I cannot expect so much from people, but to trust in HIM. And no matter how hurt or in pain I maybe, that He'll get me through it all and His love endures forever. My goal in life is to show and for others to experience God's love. The way God has showered me with His unconditional, overwhelming love; I want to spread that to others as well. The way God has forgiven and pour His grace to me, I want to do the same for others as well. You have to admit that God's love is truly supernatural and out of the human character. So, I want others to experience this because it's so good and fulfilling.

God is so good and I am blessed to have a God that loves me the way He does. I wish that my family, friends, and people around me can understand and experience what I'm experiencing -- an indescribable, supernatural joy & fulfillment. I trust that God will do His thing =) My job is to love others the way Christ loves me where others can see and experience the Christ that is in me =)

I love you all and thanks for reading this and may our Lord & Savior continue to open your heart and romance you with His tender love <3

Love,

Jenny

Funny

2008-03-25T15:31:00.000-07:00

Right now, I'm watching the Tyra Bank's Show and just now, it talked about parenting and how parents need to set some kind of rules to their children and not just let them go free. A psychologist say that kids feel loved and cared for when their parents set rules. I know some of my friends have said that. They liked how their parents were open and free, yet at the same time they wished their parents would of been more disciplining.

I thought it was funny how we as humans want some type of rules. The way God set rules, guidelines for us is a way of showing us His love and care. He doesn't want us to hurt ourselves, but our minds become twisted by the enemy where we take that care that God has for us and make us think that God is restricting us and policing us. That is where we become rebellious just like the enemy, himself. He whispers these lies that he is consumed of everyday.

Once I place my eyes on others is when I began seeing how dearly loved and much I have. Just now, I began thinking how the enemy wants us to focus on ourselves - that's what he did. He focused on himself and began letting those selfish thoughts consumed him, which made him end up rebelling against God and being thrown out of the kingdom of Heaven. However, as for God, He actually thinks about others more than Himself! I mean He thinks about Himself and yes, He is worthy of praise, but for the most part from my own understanding, He seems to think about others and wanting to serve and love. That's why it is so important for me daily to think about God because once I think about myself and what I don't have, I slowly fall into the enemy's lies.

Also, yesterday while my dad and I were driving home, he was giving me advice about driving and what to do and what not to do. After 15 minutes, I began become annoyed. I looked out the window and closed my eyes trying to grip my temper. I started praying for God to give me patience because I can tell I was becoming annoyed. I started thinking how I dislike when my parents lecture me and always giving me advice that I already know. I feel like they don't trust me. Then I started thinking how when I talk to my parents and share to them what's going on with my life, they ALWAYS have to come back at me with advice. I know they are doing it out of love, yet at the same time, it becomes draining. When I was thinking about that, I started thinking how as humans, we actually like to give advice and give our input. We like to share and tell others what we know. I know that for me, I get this good feeling when I share others my thoughts and opinions to help them. And I notice that my parents and even the most mean person loves to share as well. And it dawn onto me is that we are created to "share" and "help" others in some sense. Even the most mean, cold-hearted person loves to share what they know, which you will see in movies. Usually the evil villian have a side kick that he talks and share his thoughts with. All of this shows me that we're created to share something. This is where I made a connection where we're created to spread the good news and to give hope in others lives.

I just think it's funny how God created us and all the connections. That was just something I felt God showed me.

College Life: The Transition

2008-02-27T17:51:00.000-08:00

Transferring to Cal Poly I didn't know what to expect, but just a new beginning. I was excited yet nervous before moving. It's been about 2 months now ever since I moved out of the Bay Area. When I said goodbye to my parents, it was a turning point of my life. As I was driving out of my parent's driveway, I began to realize that I am truly becoming a woman. It was a scary feeling the fact that I'm going to be on my own, but I can see now me moving to Cal Poly has been a good decision to make. I truly feel more like an adult As of right now, I'm beginning to enjoy my time here and the area that I'm in.

The first 3 weeks was a bit rough. I didn't know what was wrong with me. I'm usually loud, outgoing, and open when I meet and talk to people, but coming here I noticed that I became shy and quiet, which was something that I thought I wanted. I was tired of being out there, but when it truly did happen subconsciously, I didn't like it anymore. However, over time I realize that it does take time to gradually become comfortable in my own skin at a new environment.

I was also struggling within myself. I've usually done things on my own, but depending on help was a struggle for me. I depended on Brendan a lot the first couple of weeks in finding where to go and how to get to places, especially around campus. I felt handicapped and frustrated with myself because I'm a type of person that likes to learn things and immediately do it on my own. I grew up relying much on myself, so when I have to depend on someone, it was a battle within me. I felt weak and I didn't want to be portrayed as a girl that needs her boyfriend. However, I learned to bring down my pride and that it's okay to ask for help. Finally, I felt confident enough to do things on my own and now I'm taking the bus on my own, walking to class on my own, shopping on my own, cooking on my own, and going out on my own. But I am truly blessed to have Brendan to help me through it all.

I also had expectations on the church and school. I somewhat expected people to be more welcoming at church and to pursue newcomers, but for some reason, I felt more left out. I felt like everyone was in there little circle of friends and didn't quite make the effort in wanting to get to know anyone else. So, it was a bit hard in the beginning going to church and the college youth group. I would stand around alone and if not, tag along around Brendan or talk to some of his friends, which were mainly guys. I wanted to get to know more girls, but it was a bit hard. Some made the effort to get to know me, but I was known as "Brendan's girlfriend," which was nice, but at the same time I wanted people to get to know me as Jenny Phan too. It felt like people thought they knew me through what Brendan have said about me, but didn't truly get to know me. So, again it was a battle within. God taught me that I shouldn't expect others to pursue me, but for me to pursue others. I have Jesus who is my rock and foundation, so there is no need to fear or be insecure. So over time, I got out of my comfort zone and began popping my head in circles and introduced myself and getting to know others. Now, I've slowly developed friendships and getting to know the area. I'm starting to enjoy my time here and my judgments are slowly fading away. It's so easy to judge and be bitter when expectations are not being met, but I'm learning to depend on the Lord and to know that all I need is Him and His approval - no one else.

So far my roommates have been helpful, respectful, nice and welcoming. Even though we're all usually busy and unable to all hangout together, but the moments I have has been nice. I'm very blessed to start off having these 5 girls as my roommates. They've helped me in guiding me how to do my laundry, bake a cake, make french toast, and use the dishwasher for the VERY 1st TIME!!!!! Pretty amazing! lol. I also learned how to cook ground beef, pasta, clean the bathroom/toilet/kitchen/stove, take the bus on my own and all sorts of stuff for the 1st time too =D I know...I know...many of ya'll have learned how to do all of this at age like 9, but this is a pretty big step for Miss Jenny, so I'm gonna enjoy the feeling of accomplishment right now haha lol.

Being on my own, I have realized how expensive grocery can be. Now, I don't go for brand names, I go for the cheapest price and to buy it if I really need it. In the past, I would just pick a bunch of stuff when I go grocery shopping with my parents and they would question me if I would really eat it or the price of it. At the time, I didn't understand why - it's just food, but HA, now I know why! FOOD IS SUPER EXPENSIVE - it totally adds up...let me tell you! So, now it's all about the store brands baby lol!

I've been also growing tremendously spiritually. God is truly stripping me down to the core. From my heart to my actions. I am truly blessed by the church I go to now called CalvarySLO. The college group and church service has been straight-up edifying. I love their teachings - it's truly been sharpening. I've been learning about having a pure heart and how our actions is entirely nothing to God if our heart is not right. I also have been learning more of God's love, especially after watching a dance performance at school. It was so beautiful - I teared up. God has also been showing me more of His beautiful creations by being able to experience a beautiful lake by my house, amazing mountains, beaches, and natural areas that I'm surrounded by. It's really peaceful and calm here, and I'm learning to enjoy true beauty and that is God's natural creations.

Coming here has truly showed me much appreciation of those around me. I truly took a lot of people for granted like my family, friends, and those around me that have impacted my life. I am truly blessed by my family and their encouragements. I am especially blessed by my parents and the way they have raised me even though there are some areas I still do not agree lol, but I am still blessed by the way they have protected me from this corrupting world. I am also appreciative in the way they serve and love on me. Ever since I have moved out, they've been treating me like an adult, which has been great.

I am also blessed by the friends that I have back at home - they're all loving, caring, encouraging, and unique. I am thankful for having friends that'll be there for me even at my worse. I am also thankful by those that have touched my life like teachers at Las Po, elders of the church, Pastors & pastor's wives, my mentor, my counselor, the Jr. High Staff members, and all that I have encountered with. I love the Bay Area and the diversity it presents. You honestly do not know what you have until it's gone. Now, I have a different view of people and myself. Before I left, I was at a stage of being selfish and not even knowing it. So, I apologize to all of you who have experienced that from me.

I also want to thank my boyfriend, Brendan Ochoa. He has truly been a blessing in my life not just because of the way he has been there for me, but more of his character and example he displays. Even though he may have days when he's not too great to be around, but overall, he's been such an amazing blessing in my and my family's life. He would go out of his way to help me through the good, the bad, the ugly, and the beautiful moments in my life. He was there to listen to my cries; he was there to lend his shoulder to cry on; he was there to protect and walk me home after late night classes; he was there to comfort me when I was homesick; he was there to guide and show me around; he was there to lend me a hand; he was there to show me more of God's love; and he was there to direct me back to the Truth. I truly appreciate and admire the way he cares for me, his family, my family, friends, and even strangers. I know all of this is not done by his own strength; it's all the Lord's love and strength. I thank Brendan for being a selfless servant of Christ and willing to follow the Lord's footsteps. It's truly inspiring.

I am ultimately thankful for my Lord & Savior Jesus Christ for being there for me even when I may walk away from Him. Even though I have not seen Him face to face yet, but I am blessed to be able to learn more about Him and experience His spirit, joy, and love. During my ENTIRE life, He has been there by my side protecting me. He has been taking care of me and pulling me out of a deep hole every time I get into one. Time after time, He has came in the right time to rescue me and guide me back in the right direction. What an honor it is to be able to have a relationship with the Almighty God! I think we sometimes forget how BIG He is. Why can't we get excited and appreciate our Creator, but we do with celebrities who are merely just human beings like us? Thank You Lord for pursuing us even when we do not deserve it. The Lord is good and I am blessed to have God open my eyes to who He really is - He is more than a image of a man sitting on a throne; He is love.

So, that's been my experience. I'm growing and it's been a painful, yet an amazing experience. I hope all is well for all of you wherever you all maybe in your lives.

much love,

Jenny

Bittersweet

2007-12-27T23:20:00.000-08:00

I cannot believe it's happening. I'm finally moving away from home and being on my own in 7 days. I thought this day would never come, but now it has. I never would of thought I would be scared and missing what I have in this lil' old town named Livermore. I remember wanting to get out of this town as fast as possible a couple of years ago and when the day comes, it becomes bittersweet. I'm excited to live in a new town, go to a new school, be on my own, meet new people, and somewhat start a new life, but at the same time I am a bit scared of not being able to manage it all or fit in. I know that sounds a bit lame but it's true. I am gonna miss the relationships I've built and the town I've gotten to know, but life is a constant change. Change is hard and can be painful at times, but the changes that happen in our lives is what builds us up. If there were never changes in our lives, then who we are cannot become who we can be. Though I fear of what will happen in the future but I know all of this will work out in the end. It's like a butterfly - you can't become a butterfly if you're always in a cocoon. I just wanted to vent, so here I am blogging lol. Well, I hope ya'll have a goodnight and I super excited to see my high school girls tomorrow night!!!! We haven't hungout ALL of us together ever since we graduated from high school (class of '05). Well I hope ya'll have a goodnight =)

Behind a smile, it's hard to see that this girl actually have fears...

Housing & College update!

2007-11-23T23:31:00.000-08:00

"The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives. Though they stumble, they will never fall, for the Lord holds them by the hand" Psalm 37:23-24.

*This maybe long, but it sure shows God's faithfulness!!! =)

Wow! Literally - WOW!!!!!! I'm just wow - in awe. In awe of how faithful and miraculous God is. There are times when I doubt God's works where I begin to do things under my own hands, but time after time God keeps on showing me more of who He is and how faithful He can be. Nowadays, everything seems too good to be true, but with God, I'm learning that it is the REAL DEAL. The amazing stories you see in movies can actually be a reality, but 10 times better. That's how I feel with my life - it's like a love song of Him (God) and I. I finally understand the lyrics of "my life is a love song to you..." Everytime I hear those lyrics at church or on the radio, I never quite understood what that meant, but now I do.

Anyways, about housing. WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So uberly amazing!!!! I can just scream for DAYS - it's just that amazing! For the past 2 months, I've been looking for housing on my own. It's been a draining, tiring, stressful experience ever! I never knew looking for a place to live can be so hard. I've been rejected by girls; I've been finding girls with certain negative habits; I've been finding places that were too far or too expensive; I've been finding places that were renting too early; I've been finding places where the person doesn't return your email or calls (very rude), and so much more and all I can say is OH MY STINKIN' GOODNESS!!!! However, God, again came for the rescue!!!

So, FINALLY I surrendered to God two or three Sundays ago after church. I've been telling people, even myself that I was trusting God and giving it to God, but the truth was I wasn't. I thought I was, but I was entirely wrong. Yeah, I prayed and wholeheartedly too, but I didn't completely surrendered it ALL. I would constantly go online checking ads on Craigslist or slocrusade.com. I would constantly email people my interest in the place and would receive emails in return, but get rejected 5 hours to a day later. I became frustrated, emotional, paranoid, and exhausted.

I couldn't do it anymore and I finally decided to give it to God by letting go of things and not worrying. A couple Sundays ago, I went to a nice peaceful park by my house and sat on the grass with my journal, Bible, and a cool ice tea. I started off journal-praying, where I write my prayers down (for some reason, I pray better that way). Anyways, after journaling my prayer, I stopped and thought I should write directly down my problem to God and to wait for Him to reveal me scriptures of answering my problems. So, I labeled "Problem" and "Solution."

I had faith God will answer, but I had a itty bitty doubt in me. And you know what??? God is faithful. He answered my problems. I opened my Bible, prayed over it, and waited. Slowly, God gave me the thought of "J," so I went to the book of Jeremiah and didn't find anything, but then I went to the book of Joshua and He sure showed me a scripture, which was Joshua 1:9 - "This is my command - be strong & courageous. Do not afraid or discouraged for the Lord your God is with your wherever you go."

Then God showed me 3 more verses and they all were truly solution of the problem I stated. The verses He gave me were:

- I was afraid of being in God's way by either doing too little or too much, but He showed me to not worry and that HIS plans will ultimately prevail:
"You can make plans, but the Lord's purpose will prevail" Proverbs 19:20.

-God showed me that there is a time for everything and what hit me the hardest was the verse that says there is a time to search and a time to QUIT searching:
"¹ For everything there is a season,
a time for every activity under heaven.
² A time to be born and a time to die.
A time to plant and a time to harvest.
³ A time to kill and a time to heal.
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
⁴ A time to cry and a time to laugh.
A time to grieve and a time to dance.
⁵ A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
⁶ A time to search and a time to quit searching.
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
⁷ A time to tear and a time to mend.
A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
⁸ A time to love and a time to hate.
A time for war and a time for peace" Ecclesiates 3:1-8.

-God showed me how SMALL our human minds are and how we CANNOT see the ENTIRE plan God has for us and how HE sees everything from beginning to end. It reminded me how important it is to trust His guidance especially when He knows my life from beginning to end, which allows Him to help me make right decisions:
"God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end" Ecclesiates 3:11.

-God reminded me that His plans are FINAL and that NOTHING can be added or taken away from it. This is something I struggle remembering because I sometimes believe that if I messed up or if I'm not obedient enough that He'll take away things in my life, but God does not do that. His love is given by GRACE:
"And I know that whatever God does is final. Nothing can be added to it or taken from it. God's purpose is that people should fear him" Ecclesiates 3:14.

After receiving these scriptures, I felt this great peace and comfort. I feel more at peace and armored in God. My worries, anxieties, and fears were gone from my mind and heart. Just letting go of those worries felt so refreshing and relaxing. Carrying all those worries was such a burden. It's just so awesome knowing that our Lord WANTS to take care of things in our lives. We honestly are sooo spoiled by God, but at the same time He's such a great Father that believes in discipling as well, which is what He did with me with this housing situation. He used this to teach me to not worry, which is one of my biggest weakness and sin. He can easily just plopped the housing on my lap, BUT that would not teach me anything.

So, that night, I decided to continue to enjoy my day with God by relaxing, taking a nice bubble bath, read a nice Christian book, and eating great food that God has provided for my family & I. It was such a great evening. Then I decided to check my email that night, not thinking much of it for once lol. And I received 2 emails about housing. They weren't just emails, they're from girls that are strong in the Lord, which is SOOOO AWESOME!!!

I waited and reply back to the girls, but the entire time of me sending my email and waiting, I kept praying for the Lord's will be done. I had to keep reminding me that He's in control and to wait on Him because it was soooo easy to jump the gun and pick the first housing that was available. After a week, God truly closed and opened doors of which housing to choose. I had 3 options of housing with great, sweet, strong girls that loves the Lord and is committed in their faith. It was extremely hard, but God is so faithful - He truly closed doors in helping me to choose. I had 2 options left, but I was leaning on the one that I felt more at peace with. So, my father and I decided to visit the houses. We went down to San Luis Obispo and visited one of the house, which was the one I felt like it was where the Lord wants me and OH MY GOODNESS the house was beautiful and what I love was that they put scriptures all over the house!!!!!! Also, the house seemed clean, cozy, and warm. I was truly excited! And the girls seemed sweet, respectful, and highly involved with their faith.

I was planning on visiting the other place, but for some reason I wasn't motivated to go and we kept playing phone tag. It just didn't seem to workout. So, I went with what I felt more at peace with. Another great thing was that these girls are around the same age as me; two of the girls are Recreation major, which is my major. And my roommate is outgoing, fun, and in a long distance relationship JUST LIKE ME!!!! I'll be living with 5 other girls that are committed in the Lord in a beautiful house. At first I was a bit concerned of how it would be living with 5 other GIRLS, but from what one of the roommate explains, there haven't been much drama due to different schedules AND there's 3 bathrooms, which works out perfectly! lol. I'm excited for this experience and I cannot wait to get to know these ladies =)

I emailed the landlord and throughout the entire process, God was there watching over me. Just last Sunday I found out that the landlord approved my application, so I'm IN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!

God is truly faithful in His timing. I almost settle something less because I was afraid that God will not provide and that I need to do it all on my own, but He is GOD!!! He is the ALMIGHTY and He created us! Why would He just abandon us? He truly cares EVERY detail of our lives.

I want to thank ya'll for praying for me. God truly answered them and praise Him!!!!!!! I truly am blessed!!! I was envious of people that had their own stories of God providing and the awesome thing is that He has given that to me too because I was willing to surrender & for Him to write my life out. My life is truly a LOVE song to God. I continue to want my life to be a form of HOPE, LOVE, MIRACLES, and GOD'S GLORY!!!! And YOU TOO can receive that if you allow Him to =)

Thank you again for your prayers and may our Heavenly Father continue to grow, teach, and lift your spirits up!

"Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you; He will neither fail you nor abandon you" Deuteronomy 31:8.

Much love in Him,
Jenny

Who controls your MIND?

2007-10-15T23:29:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had thoughts that would come in your mind out of nowhere that will cause insecurities, worries, fears, or doubts to rise? Have there been times when your mind just starts playing "what if" questions like what if my mom died today; what if my boyfriend is cheating on me; what if I ran my car in the wall; what if I do not pass my classes; what if this; what if that? Have you ever had "if only" thoughts? If only I was bolder? If only I would control my temper? If only I would of said something? Or have you ever had punishing thoughts like I'm a failure; nothing I do is ever right; I do not deserve God's love; I do not deserve to live.

If you have these questions or thoughts at all, I want to let you know that YOU can be FREE from these thoughts and know that these are NOT from God or YOU - it's from Satan. He's constantly at work in bringing us down and trying to drown us with all these thoughts and questions without us even knowing it. Before learning this, I always thought "what if" questions are acceptable and a good way to be cautious in the future if something bad did happen. However, now I learned how these questions and thoughts actually will bring us down and create more fears, anxieties, and worries in us that should not be in our minds or hearts.

What if's are actually what I'm a pro at. I grew up with "what ifs." What if I didn't do this right? What if I chose the wrong major? What if my boyfriend cheated on me while we do long distance? What if I walked away from God? What if I begin going to alcohol parties? What if I fail my classes? AND SO MANY MORE. It's endless! It's interesting how these questions actually lead to nothing! So what you failed a test. Is it the end of the world? NO! Will you be a failure all your life? NO! Will people judge you? WHO CARES! Will you be able to learn from your mistakes and start over? YES with Jesus' help!!!!

That's the problem with today's society is that we make ourselves or our children or our friends or peers or anybody to think that there are NO second or third or any chances. But the TRUTH is - there is, especially with GOD! I heard a story today at a meeting I went to about this man that was in prison for 25 years from murdering someone and how God has totally transformed him and now he is a youth pastor speaking into youths lives and letting them know they can change and have many chances ahead of them and how our choices lead to certain consequences. And that's where we need to remember that there is hope.

There's never an answer or a problem or horrible past that cannot be changed by Jesus Christ. I mean He is GOD for crying out loud. WHO and WHAT can ever defeat or hold back God??? NO ONE!!! What is impossible to man is possible to God. "For nothing is impossible with God" (Luke 1:37). I mean He did create us and He did create this universe and He did create all these things. So if our Creator created all these things, I don't think anyone can defeat Him when He created it.

Anyways, I realized last night after reading a chapter from The Power of a Praying Woman by Stormie Omartian (extremely great book by the way!), that all these questions and thoughts that comes to our minds are NOT from the LORD. It's actually from the enemy (Satan). I honestly never would of thought it being from the enemy. I would suspect it being from US, which we do have some part to it, but I learned that we have a CHOICE. We can choose to play these thoughts in our minds and dwell on it over and over again or we can totally have confidence in our God and know that He's in control and to BELIEVE in His promises and truths.

While I was driving home last night, I started thinking how the enemy is constantly pouring lies in my mind and I didn't even know it. It didn't seem noticeable. I sometimes think I have everything figured out when I don't. I honestly thought I knew how the enemy worked and what he will say, but I learned that I cannot be too prideful in that. I cannot let things slide and be okay with it or think it will just go away because in reality things do NOT just go away. It either goes to something else or it becomes bigger if we do not confront and resolve it and give it to God to heal. It first starts off with a little thought, but it will lead to something more that we didn't even expect. I used to think that the only thing the enemy can play with our minds are lust, judgment, and condemnation. I didn't even take note of how he can manipulate our minds in thinking certain other things.

What hit me hard was when I read this sentence in the book: Every sin begins as a thought in the mind. It caught my attention, but I didn't quite get it yet, so I kept reading it and it hit me that EVERY SIN begins as a THOUGHT in the MIND. Can you believe that? Every sin begins as a thought in the mind. It just show how important are minds are and if WE do not take control of it, the enemy will.

We have the choice to listen to Satan's lies or not, but we have to be able to discern what is from God and what is from Satan. That is why it is EXTREMELY important to be armored and use the tools that God has given us. We tend to try to believe that there is not a bad guy, but the truth is there is! We cannot be blind and think okay bad things happen, but there is no bad guy out there - uhhhhhh....then where does it come from??? And most people would say God because God created everything so obviously God did it. Foolish! Why would God contradict His own laws and promises like God commanded do not murder and someone murder - do you say God made that person murder? NO! If you think about it, many serial killers talk about how they hear a voice in their head telling them to kill over and over again. I honestly believe that is from Satan, so that is important to know that there is a Devil and he is real - it does not just exist from a story tale where there is good and evil - it is around us daily. Therefore, we need to armor ourselves EVERYDAY once we wake up!

So here are the following 5 simple, basic weapons we can use against the enemy that I learned & got from the book:

1) A powerful weapon against the enemy is God's Word (The Bible). This is the MOST powerful weapon. Jesus, Himself used it against the devil when He was led into the wilderness and Satan began tempting Jesus (Matthew 4:1). When the devil tempted Jesus, Jesus refuted the devil by using God's Word. When you are in a tempting situation or evil thoughts come to your mind, immediately go to God's Word and refresh your mind again of what God really says. If you do not have a Bible, please let me know and I can let you know where to get one online or a bookstore nearby you or even buy you one. I would be gladly to help =D PLEASE DO NOT BE SHY IN LETTING ME KNOW. I actually did not have a Bible until a year and a half ago so do not be ashamed or shy about it.

2) A powerful weapon against the enemy is praise. The devil hates it every time we worship God. That's because he cannot tolerate people worshiping anyone but himself. He detests it so much that he cannot even be around it. When we praise and worship God, God's presences dwells powerfully in our midst and the devil has to leave. So, start turning up worship music and just sing to God or just talking to God and praise Him out loud. I noticed that when I turn up worship music all over the house or in my room, there's this great sense of peace and armor especially when positive, encouraging lyrics are pouring into my ears. That's why it's important to watch and listen to music that is encouraging and uplifting. Here are some great Christian artists: Chris Tomlin, Casting Crowns, Abbi Walker, Avalon, Kutless, Barlow Girl, Pat Little Band, Lystra's Silence, Cross Movement, Aaron Shust, and many more. You can google and look for Christian artists. Note: there are many different genres with Christian music - it sounds like secular music, but with different lyrics. Let me know if you're interested and cannot find any =)

3) A powerful weapon against the enemy is obedience . If we are living in sin or walking in disobedience in any way, this leaves the door open in our lives for the devil to gain a point of entry and ultimately a foothold. Bad things happen to us that might be the enemy's work, but it could also be because our own sin has given the devil a place to erect a stronghold in life. Confession & repentance will shut the door in the devil's face, so do not be afraid to just confess to God. He loves you and does not count nor keep your records of wrongs. He is the Creator of love and this is how He loves on us: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres" 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. So do not be afraid, when you do, that feeling is not from God, it's from the devil!

4) A powerful weapon against the enemy is faith. Keep in mind that the enemy is always planting land minds out ahead of you. You have no idea where they are because they are not visible to the human eye. The way to avoid them is to walk closely with God and let Him guide your steps. That takes FAITH.

5) A powerful weapon against the enemy is prayer & fasting. Prayer is a strong weapon against the enemy and fasting makes it even more so. It doesn't seem as though such a simple thing could do so much, but it does. And it might not seem as though anything is happening while you fast, but there are powerful things being broken in the spirit realm. Often a simple 24-hour fast is enough to break the hold of the enemy upon our lives. Regular fasts will keep evil at bay and strongholds broken down. It's a way of saying, "I deny myself what I want most and put God first in my life." And fasting can be anything - not just food. Like for me, I fasted from the internet for a month and it refreshed my soul so much. I felt like I wasn't chained down by it and that I'm able to not go on the internet 5 times a day and be FREE!!! The devil HATES this because we're denying ourselves and seeking God.

After knowing and learning all of this, I feel so much more armored and confident in God. Whenever my mind begins to wander off in judgment or anything that is just wrong; I hurry and just say out loud in Jesus name to stop the devil's lies and I go straight to prayer, reading the Bible, and singing to God out loud. And it's been TOTALLY AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*Remember that if you do not take control of your mind , the devil will. A big part of standing against the devil is taking control over our minds. You have a CHOICE of what you will accept into your mind and what you won't.*

Dear Lord,

THANK YOU SO MUCH JESUS for setting us FREE! Thank You for allowing us to be able to be free from the devil's lies and to be free from addictions and evilness that is around us. Father I pray for Your holy hands to be upon us and for You to help clean our minds and to take control of it. Father, help us to be obedient and to immediately turn to you with everything. Break us Father and humble our hearts. Take away pride or anything that is not of you. I pray that you armor us daily and to alert us when the enemy is pouring lies in our minds. Help us to walk in the path that You have created for us. Transform our minds and hearts to be more like YOU. Thank You Jesus again for Your teachings and love and grace. You are so awesome Lord. We are nothing without You. Thank You again for all that You've done and I pray that as we live today that we will live for You and to ask You what and how we can fulfill Your will and kingdom; instead of us trying to fit You in our lives - let us GIVE our lives to You and desire to live for Your kingdom! Bless this day Father and guide and lead us as we go.

In Jesus Name we pray,
Amen.

I hope ya'll got something out of this. This was just building inside of me that I cannot hold inside of me any longer, so I'd thought I share it with you guys. Take care and may our Heavenly Father transform you all daily.

Also, I just wanted to let you all know that God has been amazing!!! He has been lifting all of my worries and burdens and just helping me with school, issues I'm going through with myself, transferring paperwork, and all these things that are happening in my life. And the awesome thing is that I'm taking joy and not worrying everyday. I feel so FREE!!! It's true that if you "seek the kingdom of God above all else and live righteously, He will give you everything you need" (Matthew 6:33). Again, thank you so much for your prayers, your caring hearts, and support & respect you all have given me lately. I'm still taking my time in being with God more and not being too committed in going to certain events or activities. I love and miss you all and I will talk to ya'll soon!!!!!

much love & joy in Christ,
Jenny

Why...Why...Why!!!!????

2007-08-10T13:53:00.001-07:00

"But if serving the LORD seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your forefathers served beyond the River, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD" Joshua 24:15.

Living for God is a matter of choice, but before we can even devote our hearts to God we have to ask ourselves, "Why are we living for God?" I came upon to many questions about God for the last couple of days. I didn't understand anymore to why I'm living my life for God. I understand that He created us and the least we can do is live for Him, but at the same time I didn't understand why He even created us in the first place even when He knew that we would hurt Him and fall into sin. I just couldn't find the answers.

But the question that keeps dwelling in me was "Why did God created us?"

I hear many people say that...

we're created to glorify Him (God)
we're created to be the light for others to know who Jesus is and to repent from their sins
we're created to make a difference in this world
we're created to spread God's love
we're created because God loves us so much
we're created because it gives God great pleasure

I hear these reasons all the time at churches, Bible studies, youth groups, people, and even I, myself have used them. They're all TRUE and the correct answers; however, they weren't enough for me. I wanted more - something beyond those answers.

I kept asking people and praying to God, but everything still felt empty and numb to me. By now my walk with God wasn't going so well. I can hardly hear His voice. I soon lost my sight of why I'm here on earth. I became confused to why I'm living for God and to why He created us.

It just doesn't make sense to why God would create people and this world when He knows we would hurt Him. Why go through all the trouble and pain? It doesn't make sense. I didn't understand why we're created to worship Him. Isn't that selfish of Him to ultimately create us and in order to be right with Him; we have to live for Him. So, why are we created? It doesn't make sense. I became frustrated and confused and lost.

After 4 days of confusion, God finally opened my eyes and mind. I developed some conclusion of why God created us. This is how I look at it. God created us because He LOVES us. That is a fact and the truth, but that answer itself wasn't satisfying to me because I believe that there is more than that. Then God slowly showed me His answers. I finally get it and understand to who God is and why He does what He does.

God is the most High, the Almightiest, extremely Huge, and amazing with a great amount of love, grace, faith, knowledge, wisdom, and everything. He has SOOOOOOOOOO MUCH of all of this that He wants to distribute it in some form. Thus, He decided to create people in order to shower His love, His knowledge, His wisdom, His mercy. However, He didn't want the people to do what He says - it would be meaningless to create robots. Thus, He gives us free will where we have the choice to love Him. The ultimate answer that hit me hard was that....

God created us because He wanted companionship. He wanted to share the things He has. He wanted to be there. He wanted to talk, joke, laugh, love with someone. He doesn't have to, but He WANTS to. After creating Adam and Eve (the first humans that God created) He walked in the garden with them and did everything with them. He interacted with Adam and Eve like a group of friends would, like parents would with their children, like family would with each other.

"Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the LORD God as He was walking in the garden in the cool of the day" Genesis 3:8.

Sometimes we forget that we're created in God's image. IN GOD'S IMAGE. I mean, when you read that what do you think? We're created in GOD'S image - both women and men. This means that the way we want to share our lives with others; the way we want to share our love to others; the way we want to make others laugh; the way we interact with people is from God. He has that too because we're created like Him. We're not perfect like Him because we're sinful people, but we have His desires and traits.

"So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them" Genesis 1:27.

Even though we're created to worship Him and glorify His name, but He does give us great joy and blessings in our lives. So, I realirze that I have no right to be upset nor feel used by God for creating us because He has the right to NOT create us and go through all of this, but He DID and He wanted to. His love and the passion He has was too strong to not spread; therefore, He created us in order to give that to. A good illustration would be parents. Parents know the consequences of having kids like the time, effort, money, energy, and patience it takes to have kids, but parents choose to have kids because they want to share their love and wisdom. Being parents is ultimately laying down your life for your children and hoping they'll become good human beings because who knows what direction they would take. That is the same with God. God created us to love and to cherish even knowing the pain He may have to endure from us.

Honestly, this may never truly make sense nor will it be answered 100% correctly, but the important thing is that we're on this world for a purpose and that is to spread the love of Jesus and to recognize what He has done. Before Jesus came, we no longer could have that intimate relationship with God like Adam and Eve did for a while because the serpant (from the Devil) tricked Adam and Eve to eat from the tree of knowledge of good and evil. So, our intimate relationship with God was ruined, but God loved us soooo much and couldn't abandon His creation that He send His OWN son Jesus Christ to mend the gap we had with God. Now we have a relationship with God again through JESUS CHRIST, but we won't actually see God's face and touch Him until we reached to Heaven.

After knowing why God created us, my relationship with Him has been great =D I no longer spend time with God like a chore, but more of that companionship like I would spend time with my family and boyfriend.

God is good and we all have the choice to live our lives. How do you want to live your life? Talking about God, going to church isn't enough. Do you understand that GOD created us to learn more about Him and being His companion, not to make a lot of money and satisfy our OWN needs. Money, clothes, television, cars, status, and all these things is NOTHING without God. We will one day die and leave this earth - where do you think all the things on this earth will go? It will certainly not come with you.

We sometimes get so warped by this busy life that we forget who God is.

I pray that everyone will see and know who God is. I grew up not knowing truly who God is, but I finally see. I finally understand and I pray that others' eyes will be open. I pray for my friends, my family, and the people around me will see what Christ has done. There's more to life than being born, going to school, making money, having a family, and die. Lord I pray for your words to pierce many hearts. I pray that people will SEE!. I pray that you pour your knowledge, wisdom, and love to your people Father. I pray that many will finally understand why they're here on this earth. Lord show them YOUR will and what You have planned for them. I pray that you take away lukewarmness. I pray that you continue to forgive us for our sins. I pray for an intimate relationship with you! Thank You Father so much for opening my eyes and using me to write about You. Thank You for your words and love. Thank You for what You have done! Praise YOU JESUS! You are more than a God that sits on a throne in Heaven. You are our FATHER, You are our CREATOR, You are our AUTHOR, You are GOD! Glory to You Lord!!!!! Bless this day and help speak into many people's lives. Thank You Jesus.

In Jesus Name we Pray,
Amen.

It's in my heart to say that I'm not that much different than anyone. We are all people with common feelings and values, but what's different about me is that I'm not blind anymore - God's wisdom and love lives in me and I'm FREE from sin through Jesus Christ. I have a purpose in life now. Do you?

"For you have been called to live in freedom, my brothers and sisters. But don't use your freedom to satisfy your sinful nature. Instead, use your freedom to serve one another in love" Galatians 5:13.

much love in Him,
Jenny Phan <3

I AM BEAUTIFUL!!!

2007-05-30T13:43:00.000-07:00

I AM BEAUTIFUL ... I'm finally able to admit that. It's always been a struggle to admit my beauty. I grew up with intense criticisms of my appearances. I was either too skinny, too hairy, too dark, too much freckles, too this, too that...just NEVER good enough. But as I aged, I learned on "how" to look beautiful by using clothes and makeup. Even though people would compliment me and say that I'm beautiful, but it would be hard for me to accept because I know what my true beauty looks like and to me it's not beautiful. However, over the months, God has been helping me heal from the false lies that I've been drowning in for so long. I finally found my true beauty within myself, not on others.

I would always compare myself with other girls, especially girls that are the same race as me and how they do their makeup or hair and so forth. But today God has truly set a solid foundation of who I am. I AM BEAUTIFUL and I am proud of the body that God has created me. Over the years, I have grown and became a woman with curves. In the Asian culture, if you're over a size 3, you're consider fat and need to lose weight. It's been a huge struggle with me ever since I gain some weight. I'm going to admit that yeah I have a butt and yeah I do have breasts, but I'm going to embrace my body and love it for what a woman I have become. Yeah I used to be a size zero weighing 90 lbs. in high school, but that was when I was young. I think many people expect girls to stay the same ALL their lives. As long as you're healthy and taking care of your body, you're good.

So, I decided to make a choice in either accepting these harsh, false lies or cling onto the Truth. I today have decided to cling onto the Truth and that is I AM BEAUTIFUL!!! So what I don't have a 6 pack, so what I don't have big eyes with a small nose, so what I have freckles, so what I have blemishes, so what I have hair on my arms, SO WHAT!? Who's business is it to judge someone else. Does anyone have the badge of a beauty cop??? I don't think so! Many people would put someone else down to make them feel better about themselves. That's actually very sad because it shows how insecure that person is, so don't let another person's insecurities determines yours. It's not your problem, it's theirs.

God gave me a vision that every time I'm criticizing my body, it's like stabbing myself with a knife because God has created me for who I am and here I am critiquing it. I know it hurts my Heavenly Father every time I think less of myself because He knows what He has created and His creation is good. So, I want to tell EVERYONE, men and women, young and old, single and married, pregnant and not pregnant, that YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. Do not let a human being determine your beauty because they themselves are too not perfect, so they have NO right to speak, BUT let Jesus determine your beauty for He is perfect and He is God. He thinks you're beautiful - don't deny it, accept it.

Beauty is all about on how you carry yourself. That's what I learned. You can be Miss Universe and be ugly if you do not have the confidence and love to go with it. Beauty is not just the physical appearance; it's especially within. Don't hate, APPRECIATE =D

I still love to wear makeup and dress up in cute clothes, but it doesn't determine who I am as a person. I love to be comfy at times; I love to be sporty at another time; I love to be a little rock; I love to be a little funk; I love to be a little trendy; I just love diverse styles. Fashion is my style and personality. And don't change your style for anyone. Same with the whole beauty aspect; if someone critiques the way your dress - not your problem; it's theirs! And why I say this??? Because sometimes when I wear something nice; their will be people looking down on me like why are you dressing up??? And my response - Don't HATE! So if you're a hater; stop being a hater...there's better things to do than judge someone like maybe making a difference in this world =)

If your friends, boyfriend/girlfriend, spouse, family, or whoever does not accept you for who you are, then they're not worth your time to be in your life. I actually want to thank my boyfriend Brendan in helping me cope with this. This issue has been a huge challenge for the both of us. He has been their showing me the beauty that I don't see within me. He's been their encouraging, comforting, hanging in there, and directing me to what God sees me as. It's been an emotional, frustrating roller coaster and it will continue, but praise God for His Truth.

Life is a choice. You either can appreciate, embrace, and love for who you are without getting all arrogant and cocky about it or you can always put your head down and have a dark cloud over you. NO ONE can change you. NO ONE can ever determine who you can be and what you can be...it's put all upon your own of what you choose. Jesus thinks you're awesome and wonderful because He chose you and He made you, but for you to still think the negative - what difference does it make??? If you choose to stay down in the dumps, then that's your choice - no one can help you but Jesus and ultimately yourself. Friends and loved ones tried for many years to help me with life, but if I'm not willing to accept it and change, then it won't work. It's a choice...

I am beautiful, you are beautiful, everyone is beautiful. If you can't love yourself, how can you even love others. Don't let people determine who you are; you will never get far in life...

"For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!

Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you" Psalm 139:13-18.

BUSY, CRAZY LIFE!!!

2007-05-22T00:18:00.001-07:00

"Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need" Matthew 6:33.

Through the midst of things and all the chaos we go through, remember that our GOD is a GREAT God - nothing, not even homework, money, work, or any human being can be greater than our God. When life is hard and so much things are going on, remember to lay at the feet of Jesus and embrace His peace, comfort, and love that He offers.

He's such a faithful God..don't doubt His mighty works. School is down the line and finals are hitting us all hard. Along with finals, we all have personal issues to deal with along the way (family, friends, co-workers, work, spouse, children, ministry, romantic partner, etc...) But I want to share you want I've experienced. Some of you may have experienced this, but I haven't fully until last Monday.

I had a huge Statistics exam on Wednesday that is full of different formulas and steps to understand and memorize. All of our homework were due the day of the exam and I didn't start any of them until the last minute. I had 11 sections of homework to finish and a page of notes to make for my exam. I came home on Monday exhausted by school and panicking with all that needs to be done by Wednesday. I thought to myself 'how am I going to do this.'

Anyways, I came home and thought "Okay! I need to start on my homework homework homework!" but I can hear God nudging me in spending time with Him. But I didn't want to because I NEED to get all of this work done! I wanted to finish ALL my work AND then spend time with Him. As I tried to do all of this under MY own strength, I can see that I couldn't. I was too stressed and exhausted to think, so I decided to turn up some worship songs and began singing my heart out to God and began praying to Him. Through that, I can feel a great peace in my heart. After praying and singing to God of what has been on my mind, I then ate a little bit of lunch and rested for a few minutes. After resting, I then began my homework. Usually I struggle some here and there with my Statistics homework, but this time, I truly got from one problem to the next. And I also learned and gain much practice before the exam. I can truly see God helping me. By Wednesday, I got EVERYTHING done in time AND I didn't cram it all the night before...I finished in time to have a restful night. I took the exam and there was a problem that was pretty tricky that I don't think you would know if you didn't do the homework, so I'm glad that I was able to finish everything in time with God's strength. Two days later, I checked my grade and I was nervous because this grade determines if I take the final or not and I didn't want to, especially when I had a Economics final on the same day. I looked and my mouth dropped! For the first time I got an A on a Statistic exam. He's a picky and hard grader, so I was shocked to get a 95%.

I'm telling you this story to encourage you that you do not have to do everything on your own and how God does not just want us to pursue Him when we're ready. He wants it on a DAILY basis. I mean, how would it feel if a good friend, boyfriend/girlfriend, spouse, or loved one ONLY would talk and spend time with you when they're ready like a week or 2 later? It doesn't feel that great.

I'm learning that a grade does NOT determine who I am and that MY GOD is such a GREAT God. This does NOT mean that I can slack off and tell God to study for me and do my homework because we are responsible with what God has placed in our lives. But it does mean that we should have Him ALL AROUND our lives... NOT just a God that is there on the side, which I think we're all guilty of doing [neglection].

Make time for Him. Don't just seek Him "later" or "after you're done with this and that" or when you're in need or pain ... He has pursued us, why can't we?

"I replied, 'But my work seems so useless!
I have spent my strength for nothing and to no purpose.
Yet I leave it all in the Lord's hand;
I will trust God for my reward'" (Isaiah 49:4).

"Each time he said, 'My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.' So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me" (2 Corinthians 12:9).

"Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need" Matthew 6:33.

Much love in Him,
Jenny

Free

2007-03-13T23:00:00.000-07:00

So I was thinking right now to WOW! Like honestly WOW! God is just amazing! We were once trapped in our sinful ways because of Adam & Eve. Just a bite of an apple has caused humanity to be sinful just by another person's fault, but Jesus Christ has came and set us free by one sacrifice. It's just awesome to how we have a way to be set free from slavery of sin. I do not think I would have manage to have self-control of my emotions, frustrations, or anything. Now I have a source that will help me and that is the Holy Spirit and the hopeful mindset of God helping me. How amazing is that! We're FREE! I actually never understood that concept when I hear Christians that say they're "free." But now I understand. I understand to how we have another way - a good way! I am for once able to flee and say NO to sin just by one sacrifice! Thank YOU Jesus for setting us free from sin and for dying on the cross. Without You I do not think I am able to fight against many wickedness. I remember being a slave to so my wickedness in this world & to my sinful desires. I remember fighting with myself daily trying to fight my wicked ways before I gave my life to You, but in the end I would give into my sinful desires. I hated myself and for not being able to fight against it, but today as I look back, I'm FREE and I'm able to say NO and run....run away! I no longer have to be chained to darkness, shame, and evil. I can turn to the light with great hope and freedom. Thank You Jesus for helping me to overcome my old ways. Thank You Lord for making it possible for me to not be a slave to many evil things in this world. I pray that you continue to help me and all our brothers & sisters in Christ to be able to run and be free from sin!

"Sin is no longer your master, for you no longer live under the requirements of the law. Instead, you live under the freedom of God's grace" Romans 6:14.

" You can be a slave to sin, which leads to death, or you can choose to obey God, which leads to righteous living" Romans 6:16.

"But now we have been released from the law, for we died to it and are no longer captive to its power. Now we can serve God, not in the old way of obeying the letter of the law, but in the new way of living in the Spirit" Romans 7:6.

How awesome is that! I'm free from anger; I'm free from idolizing; I'm free from sexual lust; I'm free from swearing; I'm free from giving into temptation; I'm free from the enemy's lies...I can say NO and know what is True and that is God is with me and He loves me!

Wanting to be Lead...

2007-02-27T09:09:00.000-08:00

Last night, Brendan and I talked as usual and I began asking him to why and how he was strong enough to not give into temptation of dating girls. Before we dated, he stopped dating after giving his life to the Lord and would only date if God showed him that the girl was the one. He was tired of finding that girl. God knows him better than anybody even himself, so he rather have God pick the girl for him then him picking a girl for himself. He was tired of putting his heart out there and not knowing if the relationship was God's will.

I remember and not surprised that many girls liked or had crushes on him before us dating; however, he would not pursue or go forward with that. I truly admire that about him and I'm glad he did what he did. It makes me feel special today as I am his girlfriend. Out of all the flowers, God picked me to be with Brendan. I'm so blessed and thankful to have a boyfriend that fears the Lord and not people. I remember him having debates constantly about the dating issue and how Brendan was being to extreme. However, looking back, I'm glad Brendan did what he did. Because of Brendan's example, I too began letting go of my life and letting God direct and guide me even my love life. I began becoming content with being single and excited to live for God's kingdom. As I grew more in the Lord, He finally believe that it was time that Brendan and I would be together, which was a shocker for the both of us because we would never imagine this early. I thought I won't find that guy until I was done with college and same with his mindset, but God had other plans for us and that is to start a long distance relationship. So far, this relationship have been growing tremendously.

Anyways back to our conversation last night. Brendan told me his walk with God at the time while he was single. There was a season where he was truly, madly, deeply in love with God. He was so in love with God that he was extremely content in being single with God for the rest of his life. When he talked about his walk with God at the time, I admire and wanted that again for myself. I remember growing in love with the Lord during my early walk with God. I miss that relationship I have with Him, but it seems like lately I've been so distracted with school, family, personal issues that I have not have that deep, intimate relationship with our Lord Jesus Christ for a while.

I want to grow more in love with God; I want to grow deeper with Him; I want to serve Him; I want Him to be all that I need; I want to be led by Him and not by me; I want to be able to hear Him clearly again. I want Jesus to be my Lord and I want to follow Him. I told this to Brendan and he explain to me that it is possible, but I did not know how to approach it. Brendan said something that truly spoke to me. He said to not try to fit God into my schedule, but to fit me into God's schedule. When he told me that, I was like WOW, that is so true. Lately I've been putting God into my schedule and to see how it'll work. I want to take that leap of faith and let God direct and guide my days. He knows me better than myself and knows what is best for me.

I am truly thankful to have Brendan in my life. He's such an amazing example of Christ and faith. I've never truly met anyone that gives EVERY aspect of their lives to God. I truly admire that. I admire his walk with God and I pray that his walk with God continues to grow. I love him and am thankful to have God put us together to live for His Heavenly Kingdom.

Then Brendan began telling that God has called us to GO! And that there is no fear of serving. I was afraid of serving again at the church because I have already at KidsZone (Children's Ministry) and I have not been serving there for the past couple of months because of family issues I was dealing with and the new changes that was happening in my life. However, lately God has been burdening me about Junior High girls. I feel as if God is calling me to serve these girls and to show them their worth in Jesus and not by boys or other people. But then I feel bad in helping out with Junior Highers and leaving KidsZone behind. I feel like I'm not being responsible. However, Brendan advise me that I should start serving where God has placed in my heart to serve and to tell the coordinators that you're going to volunteer until God closes doors. So, today I emailed KidsZone director telling her that I'm going to start serving with the Junior Highs and then see where God leads me.

Last Sunday, Pastor Steve said something that caught my attention. He was explaining to how he thought God wanted him to be a missionary worker, but God wanted something different. God wanted Pastor Steve to serve in the States to become a pastor. However, at the time, at age 18, he thought God wanted him to be a missionary worker because it is helping God's people, but God has other plans for him. When Pastor Steve explained that story, I thought to myself, what I think God wants may be wrong and that it is okay for changes in my life. I thought God wanted me to serve little kids, but God may actually want me to serve Junior High Girls. So, I'm taking a leap of faith to be led by God and to hear Him speak to me.

Today, tomorrow, and for the rest of my days, I want to start my day off with God like I have been lately where I pray-journal to Him and read the Word of God and then start hearing Him speak to me and lead my day. I'm tired of trying to fit God into my schedule - I want God to fit me into His plans and schedule. God knows me BETTER than I know myself and He knows what works well with me and what doesn't. So, I want Him to direct and guide me as I sit in the passenger seat.

I love You Jesus and I want to be lead by You

-Jenny

This Week...

2007-02-25T19:12:00.000-08:00

Wow, this week has been amazing!!! So, starting Tuesday (2-20-07) I began waking up earlier than before and putting the effort and time to spend time with God for about an hour before starting my day. At first it was pretty tough as I drag myself out of bed half asleep, but as I began prayer-journaling, my energy began increasing and it actually felt good. I want to continue to keep this up and not make it a "one time" kind of thing. I love starting my day with God and giving Him all my worries, feelings, and thoughts to Him.

I noticed that journaling truly helps me to reflect and to have self-control. Also, what has been helping me is jotting notes and my thoughts on what I'm reading in the Bible. The last couple of weeks, I've been falling back into my old habits of being frustrated easily, and not having much self-control with my emotions and anger to the point of swearing - yeah....NOT GOOD! Because of my lack of spending time with God, I've been mis communicating with Brendan a lot and butting heads. Finally, I was like there needs to be a change with the both of us, but I knew that I cannot change him nor with me. So, I decided to start the change with ME. Who am I to judge and tell Brendan to change when I need to change too!

"'Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye" Matthew 7:1-5

So, I decided to get my act together and to stop being so comfortable and here I am rejoicing in the Lord. At the same time this relationship I have with Brendan does not work if TWO people don't put the effort of pursuing God and living in the Spirit, so I'm so thankful to have a boyfriend that is wanting and willing to let God lead. Brendan is actually the one that has encouraged me to spend time with God early in the morning and sometime in the afternoon and at night through his own example of living =)

Because of this change, I've been having more self-control with my anger, frustrations, and emotions. I'm relying more on God and giving Him my worries first. And same with Brendan, he's been understanding and less prideful lately due to some self change. It's been great, but there were a couple of times when our emotions and pride got the best of us, but at least we're improving =)

My relationship with Brendan has been great. We're communicating and understanding each other better. We're more in love and excited to see each other grow in the Lord. However, as I said before, we're not perfect - we have our days of arguments, disagreements, and frustrations that we regret saying or doing, but if we continue to seek the Lord, then we'll be merging together in harmony ♥ It's pretty funny to how Brendan and I can tell if we're not in the spirit, but in our flesh because we sure act differently and it ain't pretty! lol. God truly plays a significant role in this relationship and everything we do. Without the Holy Spirit and God, we would be prideful, selfish savages retaliating with one another.

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control" Galatians 5:22-23.

Without the Spirit and spending time in the Bible or God, I become a selfish person that is drown by my "own" feelings rather than thinking of things in a bigger picture.

So far things are going great and I want to continue to serve our Lord Jesus Christ. However, I am human with faults, but because of God's grace and love, I have been right with God because of the sacrifice Jesus has made for us on the cross! This does not mean that I can just go out and sin like no other and know that God will forgive me. He looks at a man's heart, not in what he does. If a person does not have a forgiving and repenting (not wanting to do it again) heart, then there is no difference of confessing your sins. So, take up His cross and deny yourself and put off your old self of rage, slander, malice, anger, greed, selfishness.

"Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. Because of these, the wrath of God is coming. You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator" Colossians 3:5-11.

It's never too late to change and live for God =) It all starts today. What you do today will

"Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity" Colossians 3:12-14.

God is good. God is good =)

Valentine's Weekend

2007-02-25T19:11:00.000-08:00

On the actually V-day - it sucked....my dad almost lost his job, so there was some drama there and Brendan and I had some misunderstanding - total drama BUT, yesterday (Friday 2-16-07) was our actual Valentine's day and everything was resolved =) We're good again, but better!!!! (big smile) We're growing more in love. I love it when we overcome something...makes our relationship stronger and allows us to understand and grow with one another.

He planned the entire day yesterday (Friday 2-16-07) and it was amazing! I loved it. He made little clues of where we were going to go and had little pop quizzes for me as well lol and if I get it right, I get little treats. But the first thing we did was had breakfast together at Ihop. We were able to talk and try to communicate with one another how we've been feeling lately and why we've been acting the way we have. We both were hurt from each other, but this time instead of attacking one another, we began attacking the issue by reminding each other that and to learn to understand each other's needs and respect.

Then, we went to this hill that we first got together and prayed for a little bit and then we went on a hike in Pleasanton. We reached the top and it was beautiful as usual. There was a beautiful view of the valley We slowed dance, then we taught each other some hip hop moves lol. We both like to dance - he's more of a break dancer; I'm more of a choreographer. So, it was kewl to bust out moves and surprise each other lol. But on the way to the top and back down was amazing, we talked practically EVERYTHING and I just love talking to him and being able to talk to him about anything and be able to be real with him. We joked, we were serious, we were goofy, we talked about deep issues about life, we talked about God, we talked about our society, we expressed our thoughts & feelings, we expressed our opinions, we debated a little, we kissed & sweat together During those moments of talking has surely enhanced and increased our love for one another I love how our love is more than kissing, hugging, being cute, which does not last long. I love how our relationship has meat and how it goes deep, which can only happen through God. He's our counselor & mediator reminding us to be patient & submit to each other.

Then we went to jamba juice then back to my house to take a shower, change into a bit more dressy clothes. Don't worry we didn't do anything =) We were good =D Then we had a little Bible study - we're learning about love in the Bible (1 Corinthians 13), pretty cool =D

Then we went to dinner - he wanted to take me to PF Chengs but we had to wait like 2 hours and we were on a tight schedule. So we decided to go to this little mexican restaurant. It was really good. Then we went to the movies and then we exchange gifts and he loved his. He was in awe and speechless. He got me roses and all these cute goodies, which I didn't expect because the day was already amazing to me and the gift itself.

I ended up buying this glass jar and cutting out 101 hearts mix of red & pink and wrote what I love about him, but the last heart, I answered his question that he asked for like EVER. lol. He asked me if I'll be his Valentine and I kept on saying I'll think about it. So, I finally answered yes on the heart and how I love how he's my best friend and how I how he is the only guy I want to experience joy, pain, pleasure, the good, and the bad. And, I put a key chain of a cross that says friends forever with a heart - I have a matching one, but his heart clasp over mine - so it's a set =D And I put red glitter and clear-rainbow shimmering strands with seashells. And I put valentine's sticker all over on the outside. He LOVED it. He was in awe and speechless and was just blown away =D And I gave him a panda stuff animal with a cheezy, cute poem that I wrote about us lol.

After that, we met up with 2 other couples and had dessert and just talked. Then he drove me home. It was the best Valentine ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love how he did not just give me a gift and go to the movies and dinner, but I loved how he planned the entire time and allow us to have discussions. I think that's important to be able to talk to the one you love and want to marry. The friendship is what keeps a relationship going =)

OH YEAH!!! His grandparents bought him a new truck!!!!!!!!!!!! It's a blue 2001 Nissan Frontier I miss his old truck, but I sure love the new one. lol. He got it on Saturday. That night, he came over to celebrate Chinese New Years Eve. My grandma & mom cooked dinner and it was an awesome, warm, cozy, huge feast with my mom, dad, me, and grandma. We all talked & joked & shared stories. I would never image this to ever happen!!!!!! All this can happen is due to God and parental blessing. Afterwards, we went to coldstone and talked more and hungout and was cute with each other then we went home.

On Sunday, we went to church together and it was nice being at church with him by my side putting his arms around me. I love setting my heads on his shoulders He held me tight, which I LOVE!!! hehe. It was nice listening to the sermon together and learning together. We learned about harmony and being in unity and how it was only possible if we keep our eyes & heart on God. There is only ONE God, one Spirit, and if we both strive for that one, then we'll be able to live in harmony Like a triangle...me & Brendan on the lower ends, and the top is God. If we keep on striving for God, we'll grow more in love with one another. While he was driving back to Cal Poly, we talked on the phone & started discussing some questions we're doing together. We're reading this book together called "So You're Getting Married." The book is amazing - it truly gets down deep. We're going through the chapter on our past with our parents & childhood, which effects our total behavior & mindset & insecurities. It all begins today. We're both seeking counselors from our church to start digging the past and scars we buried inside of us and be able to get all the baggage out for God to heal us before truly getting married. Before we get married, we want to dig the baggage out and then set a more solid foundation of the both of us and God We don't want to repeat our pasts & some bad characterisitics/traits from our parents.

So this weekend was AMAZING!!!!!!!! We're good again and one the same page. We've overcome some storms & obstacles and we can't wait to overcome more. Relationships requires a lot of effort & patience, but he's well worth it.

We're more in love today than ever

I can't wait to be in his arms again...